Why We Can't Be Friends With Trans Apologists

I have received mixed responses on my essay that questions whether trans apologists can be true friends with gender-critical women. I know I initially posed it as a question, but the truth is not so murky. So let me be clear:

Over the years, loads of women have told me that they have friends who disagree with them on the trans issue. But there is one thing they all have in common:

They end up silencing themselves to some degree about this subject in their relationship, because their deeply-held convictions make the other person uncomfortable. There is a point they reach where depth of connection remains inaccessible due to the other person’s cognitive dissonance, willful ignorance, or straight up brainwash.

And that is exactly my point: going along to get along, self-silencing, and “tolerance” is not my idea of true friendship. This does not only apply to my own relationships; it represents how I look at friendship as a whole.

But I will speak for myself:

I am willing to hold my tongue amongst strangers, if it is the wiser choice in the moment. I may even be a bit reserved with a new acquaintance, until I know their character.

But I will not cage myself within an inner-circle that requires this behavior of me to maintain a comfortable stance within it. And I will not structure my entire life around making myself palatable to others.

My idea of friendship includes space to rest, fully express, support, and grow together. I should feel comfortable getting emotionally naked with a friend about anything, including this subject. Chosen relationships are a space of deep alignment.

Friendships are not something that I take lightly. The path I walk has eroded the luxury I once felt I had, to take friendships lightly. Illusions have fallen away.

This is why I have walked in solitude for long stretches of time, including a willingness to estrange from my family, and shed friendships that die a natural death:

It’s because I am unwilling to live a lie.

Despite being very open-hearted and loving towards people…if someone is not (or is no longer) aligned with me…they will not be close to me anymore. Period.

This is not coldness; it is clarity. Intimacy is earned through true connection, and connection cannot be forged. It is shown through the substance and health of your relationship, not through its utility or mere presence.

For me, being as outspoken as I am, taking the risks that I do—I have had to unveil people’s character very quickly. The deeper I have gone into my journey as an Artist who pushes boundaries, the more I have had to open my eyes to the truth around me, even when it is hard, heartbreaking, and inconvenient.

Even amongst the more “open-minded” liberals...some can walk a little bit with you on this subject but they will most definitely leave you high and dry when push comes to shove.

I am living that push-to-shove all the time. So I see past the niceties, I see past the surface, and I am no longer thirsty for basic agreeance with my views. At this point, I require solidarity.

But you can’t show solidarity when you are busy walking in the opposite direction.

And that is my point...

When someone adopts gender ideology, they are not choosing their own path, they are choosing a path that has been manufactured for them.

It is a socially engineered conveyer belt, paved along a pretty yellow brick road.

But when you look at the end point of that path, you’ll see that there is no way that you can reject gender ideology, and still be equally yoked with someone who is happily skipping down that road, or simply standing still while it moves beneath their feet. Because ironically, their path is not “inclusive” of people like you.

Sooner or later, you have to get off the road and find people who are walking with you into the light. Otherwise, you’ll just be shuffling around in purgatory, rejecting truth, and rejecting yourself.

It is nothing personal. It’s not about being a good or bad person. It is what it is.

What ends up happening is that many people don’t want to look at the end of the road, or they don’t know how to, or they are not aware that that pretty little road leads them to a very sharp fork that demands strict compliance, where they can no longer hide behind shades of grey.

And that fork usually shows up sooner than expected, because it’s always moving and mutating, designed to catch you off guard, like a random strip search.

And if they arrive at that fork and make the “wrong” choice, they will most certainly be dropped off and left in the dust—whether emotionally, economically, or literally.

I have to look at the end of these roads all the time for my own safety and wellbeing. I have to study the map from all angles and get ahead of the curb. I navigate these roads like a video game.

I can easily discern whether someone is equipped to walk with me. I can see where someone is going, because they show me, and the proof is in the pudding of their life.

But hey, it’s cool if we don’t walk together at the same time! Some people will never get it, while others will catch up later…and that’s OK!

But I am right here, right now. And I am not going to turn around and abandon my own path to close my eyes, play dumb, and hightail my ass down a Yellow Brick road, or allow someone else to weigh me down with their own well-meaning confusion...just because they happen to show up for life in a different place.

Most importantly…

I will not derail myself to hold someone else’s hand, when they don’t even know how to hold mine.

It’s better that we respect ourselves and part ways right here. Because I know what I deserve, even if it’s not standing in front of me right now.

I understand that this is an inconvenient truth, but it is the truth nonetheless.

Don’t shoot the messenger. ✌🏾