I Got Cancelled By An Old Friend.

My energy is bold and powerful.

Not everyone can handle it, even if they like certain parts of me.

It takes another bold person, to walk side by side with me through life.

I recently met up with an old friend of mine. We initially met 8 years ago, and would see each other semi-regularly until I moved away. We remained connected on social media, and I would bump into her from time to time, but I hadn’t spent quality time with her in years. 

All of that changed when one beautiful Sunday, I visited a local bakery and saw her working in the kitchen. She joined me on her break, and we instantly reconnected, going deep about family, life, and dreams. We exchanged contact info and decided to hang out soon. 

A couple of weeks later, I got a text from her, inviting me to chill with her for the evening. She invited me to come to her house and meet her new cat, which I was thrilled about. 

My cat ran away a few months ago, and I haven’t been cat-sitting since Summer, so I was due for some kitty time. I was also looking forward to spending quality time with an old friend, and catching up over tea and snacks. I brought my chocolate chip cookie dough with me, to share. 

When I arrived, she gifted me an outfit that she sewed herself—a mini-skirt with matching crop top made out of a fabric with cats printed all over it. It wasn’t really my style, but it accentuated my body and I thought it was zany. I put on the outfit and did a little catwalk fashion show in her bedroom until we burst into laughter.

We got cozy in her bohemian apartment, filled the air with the smell of baked goods, and dove into the nitty gritty of our lives—talking about family, work, sex, romance, and of course—almost every 15 minutes was punctuated by me fawning over her adorable little black cat, who was unusually open and receptive towards me.

It was really nice. 

During our conversation, I learned that she was having some trouble communicating some deep, very important feelings to her boyfriend, and I encouraged her to just take the plunge and be honest with him to clear the air and move with integrity in their relationship. She expressed gratitude for my listenership and support. 

Open and honest communication was clearly a struggle point for her, to the point where she stuffed a lot of things down, but she was also very self-aware, which I pointed out to her.

At some point, I also noticed that she used the word “cis” to refer to men. Like, to say that she has had some trouble working for “cis men” and that she usually finds comfort in working for “women and queers”. 

Even though I don’t agree with the usage of “cis” and “queer” I didn’t correct her or engage further about it—because, even though “queer” is a homophobic slur that has been appropriated by straight folks to mean essentially anything and nothing, I pretty much understood what she meant. I just agreed with her, saying that I also generally prefer to work with women. 

It lingered in my mind that she’s into using this woke language, but I also didn’t pay it much attention because I knew she had seen some of my gender-critical posts online.

Before I got de-platformed from Instagram, I would always see her little photo pop up in the “viewers” section of my stories. She never challenged me, unfollowed me, or treated me any different when she ran into me on the street.

I assumed that she probably knew how I felt about some of these things, even if she still used these new “gender” terms.

I’m not really into policing other’s language, and I have room to be acquainted with people who don’t think exactly the same way I do—as long as they can have room for me, too. 

We may not be able to have a super close relationship unless we’re aligned on certain things, but if there is mutual acceptance and respect, there is still room for us to be cool, break bread, and learn from one another.

So I figured, if she knows how I feel, and she is still open to chilling with me, then that’s great! Perhaps down the line, a discussion about queer/trans politics will organically come up, and she’ll be open-minded about it. 

I was also okay if the topic didn’t come up right away. It certainly didn’t the other night. We had plenty of other stuff to talk about. In fact, we never once talked about it. 

We ended the night with a warm hug, and set intentions to get together in the future. 

But I didn’t realize that her communication issues, and her usage of gender ideology language—were playing much larger roles in our relationship than I thought. 

The following day, I received a text from her:

Hi Nev, just wanted to take the time to say I appreciated you sharing time & listening to me last night. Today I've been sitting with some difficult feelings, because I'm afraid I wasn't honest with you about my discomfort with opinions you have shared in the past about queer & trans community. It was a hard topic to bridge, and at the time I wanted to connect in other ways/talk about other things. All that said, I think it's hard for me to plan a future hang for the time being. Sorry for not being more transparent in our recent meetings.

….

I was so taken aback, my hands started shaking. I thought about not responding at all, but I felt called to let her know exactly how I felt.

My response opened up a whole pandora’s box.

Here’s what I said: