On Being They/Them'd

Woman is a Dirty Word.

I get they/them’d a lot. 

Everywhere I go: the library, shops, social events, restaurants—so many people are keen to refer to me as “they/them” or as a “person”. Whether they’re speaking to someone else and referring to me in my presence—or speaking directly to me—it’s been whole lot of they/them, lately. 

It’s almost as if I’m witnessing people become fatigued with their own wokeness. When it seems too extravagant or inconvenient for people to ask me my pronouns, they will simply default to they/them, and leave it at that. 

I have been repeatedly misgendered throughout my adult life, with adults and children approaching me to ask whether I’m a boy or a girl. I have also on a few occasions, been told I look like a dude, or outright mistaken for being one. For the most part, these mistakes, observations, and curious inquiries have been genuine, and they haven’t been accompanied by harassment or hatred-even when it’s happened in countries where homosexuality is illegal. So, in most cases I have not taken offense, or interpreted it as something negative. 

I also have never felt the need to correct people when they are uncertain or mistaken about my gender. If it’s a man, I probably won’t engage with him at all, for my own self-preservation. But when it’s a woman or a child, I like to keep them guessing. Sometimes, when it’s a child who asks what I am, I’ll engage her critical thinking skills and respond with a question, “What do you think?” And I’ve always received the same response:

“I think you’re a girl,” 

“Okay,” I’ll nod. 

Case closed. 

So when people they/them me without a hint of curiosity, I give a similar response, which is usually on the spectrum of nothingness. I keep to myself, let people think what they want, and remove myself from the situation.

I don’t fussily raise my hands up and say “OH NOOO, I’m a SHE/HER! You can’t call ME a they/them/he/him! YEW misgendered me! This is violence! Black Lives Matter! Wo0o0o I’m gonna make your life miserable if you don’t do what I say!”. 

I don’t have the sense of entitlement that a lot of trans-identified males have in public spaces. Most of the time, I am just trying to protect my energy in these situations, and get through my day. I understand that people’s usage of they/them pronouns for me is based on their own fears and projections, that it can be ‘well-intentioned’, and it’s nothing personal. 

I also understand that in the Western world, the word ‘woman’ and all qualifying words and pronouns such as ‘she/her’ and ‘mother’ have become akin to slurs when they are used to reference actual women. This cultural shift is often reinforced by women.

I remember back in 2014, when I met a black woman at this Art Show, and she snarled at how people had been ‘she'ing’ her all day. She bitterly spat the word she out of her mouth, as if it had previously been forced down her throat. There was so much anger and resentment in her voice, for those who had made a linguistic reference to her biological sex—which she had, by the way, made no effort to hide.

So I do understand-given this messy state of patriarchal affairs-that many people believe it’s downright degrading to refer to adult female human beings as women.

Or at least, that’s what they’ve been told.

They are usually the ones walking on eggshells, sometimes in a professional role, or in a tight-assed social circle, doing their best to tow the line at any expense.

All these people see when they look at me is a black woman who doesn’t shave or conform to European beauty standards, and who is therefore read as “queer”. The last thing they need in their life is a “QTBIPOC” getting offended. So they default to they/them. 

It’s easy. It’s a sign of ‘respect’. It’s neutral. It’s safe. It’s sensitive. It’s culturally aware!

Riiiight….

I do want to say, that I am keenly aware of how my blackness, and my choice to live in my natural state—facial, body hair, dreadlocks and all—leads some people—especially woke white people and their black disciples—to assume that I must identify as something other than a woman. This is something that, on a deeper level, offends me. It really does.

The funny thing that wokeness does, is that it trips over itself all the time. 

I wholeheartedly trust that many of these same people would not dare refer to me as they/them if I walked in, dressed to the nines in high heels, a blonde weave, fully waxed body, and a face full of makeup: Trying hard to be what our broken society deems a ‘woman’, instead of merely existing and embodying womanhood, as I am.

And, I wholeheartedly trust that they do not refer to the 90 year old Grandma with a pearl necklace, church dress, and a bible, as a they/them.

So I know that their usage of the word is not in fact, neutral. It is very intentional, very charged, and very much reserved for those whom they deem it belongs to. 

Queer culture promotes the idea of freedom through the new concept of nonbinary, but it lacks so much capacity for nuance and free expansion within the binaries that actually do exist.

---

Knowing the history of how black women have been routinely masculinized in Western culture, I have to admit that being they/themed has brought up some feelings and insecurities for me. While I own my androgyny, I am very clear that my energy and presentation is primarily feminine. Those who are close to me are sometimes aghast to find out that I’ve ever been misgendered. They just don’t see how anyone could get it twisted. There is nothing manly about me, in my humble opinion.

So when I go out into the world, and I’m greyed out as a ‘person’ rather than clearly affirmed as the woman that I am, I sometimes wonder what is it about me that people are seeing and misjudging. 

However, I realize that basing my own self-image on how other people perceive and categorize me, is extremely unstable, and this is why I choose not to give it my emotional energy. I know who I am, and I surround myself with people who know who I am, without requesting that they believe and affirm something different than what they feel in their hearts. I am secure within myself. 

So when I am they/themed, I don’t spend my time and energy correcting people. I let them think what they want, and live in their own world. 

Honestly, I don’t think there is any reason to make this about me. I don’t own she/her pronouns, and I don’t have a personal attachment to any pronoun. Female pronouns were assigned to me based on my sex, and they are not about who I am as a person. They are either correct, or they are not. 

This is why I have always cringed at the thought of ‘preferred pronouns’. The idea that we can legitimately have preference over such a thing is bogus. It’s such a luxury belief to think that you can linguistically opt-out of reality, and compel everyone else to do the same, out of respect for you. It’s such a fragile, egotistical, white patriarchal way of thinking, that the whole world must bend and twist to revolve around your personal preferences and identity. 

Anyway, these people don’t get the answer they are looking for, even when they intrusively ask what my preferred pronouns are. They all get the same thing: 

“I prefer not to introduce myself that way.” 

They get nothingness. 

And the funny thing is, most of the time, they leave me alone about it.

It becomes a non-issue.

They may not know what to do with it, but they sure do respect it.