Hi Everyone! Just wanted to share that I recorded a panel discussion between myself and 3 black bisexual women readers of my blog, to talk about the themes presented in this article. You can find it here. Thanks for reading & enjoy 💜 https://blog.n3vlynnn.com/p/panel-discussion-janelle-monaes-nonbinary
This is such a great essay, thank you. Although I am an elderly (77 and grateful I’m still here) straight white woman, I share your concerns regarding nonbinary, womanhood and the importance of connection and meaningful intimacy in loving relationships. I loathe being called cis and assigned female at birth. Observed and recorded female.
Thank you so much for reading, Betty! I'm grateful you're still here too! These conversations are certainly cross-generational as they affect all women.
What a gorgeous article. It is SO WELL articulated and echoes a lot of what I've also witnessed in QTBIPOC / poly circles, both as an observer and a (temporary) participant. Indeed, claiming nonbinary as an statement of self-love is a self-contradiction. It is wild to me that that so many QTBIPOC-identified people seem to have their heads on straight in other portions of their self-love journeys, yet miss this glaring inconsistency. And it is wild to me that it is taboo to even question the orthodoxy of nonbinary and trans ideology in those spaces, even from a shared intention of healing the wounds that come with being "nonconforming" in a society that rewards conformity. Sometimes, I think of the amazing conversations that I might have had with old QT identified female friends had we all cultivated the ability to "go there," and talk about what it *really means* to be self-loving in a culture that would much rather we dissociate and self-harm. Nevertheless, I wish them all health and wholeness. I'm also on my journey. Thank you for the clarity of this article.
Yassss thank you so much, Sia. I so feel you on this piece with the cognitive dissonance that so many QT-identified women have. So many amazing women have fallen for the wokie doke, and ultimately sacrifice their ability to fully and holistically love themselves as a result. There are definitely some major blockages there. I do have faith that there will be more space for conversation in the future, as the paradigm inevitably crumbles. I appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts. 💜
Another great piece, thank you! You have well articulated my thoughts and misgivings on the nonbinary identity. I was steeped in the various "woke" ideologies for many years at my work and passively went along with the program for fear of confrontation and ostracization. After getting out, I have been able to better articulate my thoughts and find many other "herterodox" thinkers to aid me, like yourself.
You kept popping up in my notes the past year or so with interesting posts and I was hooked when you released the excellent Paulie Murray piece. I enjoyed listening to your Free Black Thought interview this summer. Really appreciate your voice and perspective; so many thanks to you for your ability and skill to write from your heart and push back on the prevailing orthodoxy on gender and race.
Thank you so much! I appreciate hearing from you and I'm glad you were able to find my work and add me to your rolodex of inspiring heterodox thinkers 🌺
Thanks for sharing this, I think I read it several months ago and just reread it after seeing it again. I think it's one of my favorite personal statements about the "QT" shift away from LGB, which is affecting the rest of the culture in the "woke wave" with drastic side-effects, for people personally but also politically.
People are complex, getting to know people is a time investment, so is getting to know oneself. Intimacy and connection are about learning, getting to know your body, not doling it out, renting it, contracting it to doctors or engineers or technologies. This, in fact, is empowering.
Maybe this is the value of the 4B movement today. "A practice, not a destination," as you say. Self-love and freedom: I'm all about them, too. Somewhere people get lost in knowing what's already there in their body, and in trying to embody what they want to believe.
I guess this is the "mind virus" or "drinking the kool-aid" problem.
Hi Anthony! Thank you for reading again and sharing--I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.
"Intimacy and connection are about learning, getting to know your body, not doling it out, renting it, contracting it to doctors or engineers or technologies. This, in fact, is empowering."
I love this. I was just having a discussion with a couple of readers about how so much of healing and recovering from the trans ideology, esp. for women, is about attunement with our bodies. An often overlooked element.
Ugh, thank you for saying what I’ve been thinking and keeping to myself.
It was this line for me in particular: “Whenever I see someone claim that they are Nonbinary, it’s a clear sign that there is a lot of work to do.”
Hit the nail 👏🏽 on 👏🏽 the 👏🏽 head!! One of my friends came out to me as nonbinary and when I asked what brought this on, they said “The NFT community I’m in has been sharing their stories and I resonated with their feelings.” 🙄
What I know and witness about my friend is she’s insecure, not properly parented, gullible, and naive. A few months after the announcement, she’s been getting reoccurring yeast infections. I think that’s her bodies way of trying to warn her of the dangers of rejecting her feminine identity. But every time I ask her challenging questions, she avoids me for a few weeks.
It feels great to know that I’m not the only one with thoughts like these. Thank you for writing this!
Hi Vashti, thank you for reading and sharing how my piece resonated with you. 💜 I definitely think getting recurring yeast infections is a psycho-somatic response to rejecting her womanhood, and you also never know what other behaviors might be coming along with her dissociation, which predispose her to reproductive health issues. Sounds like you are not compatible as friends. I distance myself from people who follow gender ideology, no matter how they identify.
A lot to think about. I was aware of some of the issues around polyamorous relationships but only as positive mental images; one’s that take gender fluidity as a badge of honor and a…finished product (?) rather than a work in progress. What I’ve seen of Janelle is enough to remind me I probably want to see more. And check out her sf novel.
Great article although I won't lie and say that I knew who Janelle Monae was before reading this but it was really interesting to read your thoughts and get a different perspective on our ever evolving culture.
One part of the article that stood out toward the end was.
"You can’t make yourself available for the fullness of lovemaking when you’re doling out so much pussy, to so many people.
And that’s not on a slut-shaming tip. It’s just real talk.
When it comes to mating, human beings are suited to pair bond: To be in a secure partnership, with one person at a time. Ultimately, that’s what we all want—is secure, loving relationships."
I couldn't agree more with this although I wonder if that is simply part of my nature and not every ones. But it definitely seems like people are generally unhappy with relationships and dating.
I’ve been trying to read more information from all sides on all things gender,trans,etc, I guess because I want to understand where humanity is at and headed on a broader scale. No matter what aspect of CULTure (gender, religious, political) someone is identifying as/with you hit the nail on the head about “rebranding unresolved issues instead of actually healing them.” My God if people could just stop and take some time to sit with themselves we might actually heal…
I'm sure the polyamorous male lesbian is the next-level of pick-up artistry. Naive college girls think they're being radically intersectional, when in reality they're just being passed around for public use.
An incredible piece. Your writing weaves through me so simply and profoundly. You also illuminate a very similar thread as a friend of mine Rae, who has written a few longer pieces and notes on this phenomenon as someone who has navigated it herself. You might like https://substack.com/@raeamiedwyer/note/c-77597220?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=uc2b7
Hi Everyone! Just wanted to share that I recorded a panel discussion between myself and 3 black bisexual women readers of my blog, to talk about the themes presented in this article. You can find it here. Thanks for reading & enjoy 💜 https://blog.n3vlynnn.com/p/panel-discussion-janelle-monaes-nonbinary
This is such a great essay, thank you. Although I am an elderly (77 and grateful I’m still here) straight white woman, I share your concerns regarding nonbinary, womanhood and the importance of connection and meaningful intimacy in loving relationships. I loathe being called cis and assigned female at birth. Observed and recorded female.
Thank you so much for reading, Betty! I'm grateful you're still here too! These conversations are certainly cross-generational as they affect all women.
What a gorgeous article. It is SO WELL articulated and echoes a lot of what I've also witnessed in QTBIPOC / poly circles, both as an observer and a (temporary) participant. Indeed, claiming nonbinary as an statement of self-love is a self-contradiction. It is wild to me that that so many QTBIPOC-identified people seem to have their heads on straight in other portions of their self-love journeys, yet miss this glaring inconsistency. And it is wild to me that it is taboo to even question the orthodoxy of nonbinary and trans ideology in those spaces, even from a shared intention of healing the wounds that come with being "nonconforming" in a society that rewards conformity. Sometimes, I think of the amazing conversations that I might have had with old QT identified female friends had we all cultivated the ability to "go there," and talk about what it *really means* to be self-loving in a culture that would much rather we dissociate and self-harm. Nevertheless, I wish them all health and wholeness. I'm also on my journey. Thank you for the clarity of this article.
Yassss thank you so much, Sia. I so feel you on this piece with the cognitive dissonance that so many QT-identified women have. So many amazing women have fallen for the wokie doke, and ultimately sacrifice their ability to fully and holistically love themselves as a result. There are definitely some major blockages there. I do have faith that there will be more space for conversation in the future, as the paradigm inevitably crumbles. I appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts. 💜
Another great piece, thank you! You have well articulated my thoughts and misgivings on the nonbinary identity. I was steeped in the various "woke" ideologies for many years at my work and passively went along with the program for fear of confrontation and ostracization. After getting out, I have been able to better articulate my thoughts and find many other "herterodox" thinkers to aid me, like yourself.
You kept popping up in my notes the past year or so with interesting posts and I was hooked when you released the excellent Paulie Murray piece. I enjoyed listening to your Free Black Thought interview this summer. Really appreciate your voice and perspective; so many thanks to you for your ability and skill to write from your heart and push back on the prevailing orthodoxy on gender and race.
Thank you so much! I appreciate hearing from you and I'm glad you were able to find my work and add me to your rolodex of inspiring heterodox thinkers 🌺
GURRLLL! You are on FIRE 🔥
Haha thanks, Sarah 🥰
Thanks for sharing this, I think I read it several months ago and just reread it after seeing it again. I think it's one of my favorite personal statements about the "QT" shift away from LGB, which is affecting the rest of the culture in the "woke wave" with drastic side-effects, for people personally but also politically.
People are complex, getting to know people is a time investment, so is getting to know oneself. Intimacy and connection are about learning, getting to know your body, not doling it out, renting it, contracting it to doctors or engineers or technologies. This, in fact, is empowering.
Maybe this is the value of the 4B movement today. "A practice, not a destination," as you say. Self-love and freedom: I'm all about them, too. Somewhere people get lost in knowing what's already there in their body, and in trying to embody what they want to believe.
I guess this is the "mind virus" or "drinking the kool-aid" problem.
Hi Anthony! Thank you for reading again and sharing--I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.
"Intimacy and connection are about learning, getting to know your body, not doling it out, renting it, contracting it to doctors or engineers or technologies. This, in fact, is empowering."
I love this. I was just having a discussion with a couple of readers about how so much of healing and recovering from the trans ideology, esp. for women, is about attunement with our bodies. An often overlooked element.
If people did yoga for a while and no longer wanted to harm themselves, would that be conversion therapy?
Ugh, thank you for saying what I’ve been thinking and keeping to myself.
It was this line for me in particular: “Whenever I see someone claim that they are Nonbinary, it’s a clear sign that there is a lot of work to do.”
Hit the nail 👏🏽 on 👏🏽 the 👏🏽 head!! One of my friends came out to me as nonbinary and when I asked what brought this on, they said “The NFT community I’m in has been sharing their stories and I resonated with their feelings.” 🙄
What I know and witness about my friend is she’s insecure, not properly parented, gullible, and naive. A few months after the announcement, she’s been getting reoccurring yeast infections. I think that’s her bodies way of trying to warn her of the dangers of rejecting her feminine identity. But every time I ask her challenging questions, she avoids me for a few weeks.
It feels great to know that I’m not the only one with thoughts like these. Thank you for writing this!
Hi Vashti, thank you for reading and sharing how my piece resonated with you. 💜 I definitely think getting recurring yeast infections is a psycho-somatic response to rejecting her womanhood, and you also never know what other behaviors might be coming along with her dissociation, which predispose her to reproductive health issues. Sounds like you are not compatible as friends. I distance myself from people who follow gender ideology, no matter how they identify.
A lot to think about. I was aware of some of the issues around polyamorous relationships but only as positive mental images; one’s that take gender fluidity as a badge of honor and a…finished product (?) rather than a work in progress. What I’ve seen of Janelle is enough to remind me I probably want to see more. And check out her sf novel.
Great article although I won't lie and say that I knew who Janelle Monae was before reading this but it was really interesting to read your thoughts and get a different perspective on our ever evolving culture.
One part of the article that stood out toward the end was.
"You can’t make yourself available for the fullness of lovemaking when you’re doling out so much pussy, to so many people.
And that’s not on a slut-shaming tip. It’s just real talk.
When it comes to mating, human beings are suited to pair bond: To be in a secure partnership, with one person at a time. Ultimately, that’s what we all want—is secure, loving relationships."
I couldn't agree more with this although I wonder if that is simply part of my nature and not every ones. But it definitely seems like people are generally unhappy with relationships and dating.
@Lotus La Loba
Thank you for using your voice to bring awareness to this issue. You may be interested in this movement stopfemaleerasure.com
Just read a couple of your pieces and super appreciate your work! Than you for articulating this perspective.
Thank you!
I’ve been trying to read more information from all sides on all things gender,trans,etc, I guess because I want to understand where humanity is at and headed on a broader scale. No matter what aspect of CULTure (gender, religious, political) someone is identifying as/with you hit the nail on the head about “rebranding unresolved issues instead of actually healing them.” My God if people could just stop and take some time to sit with themselves we might actually heal…
This was a well composed article. Thank you for your objectivity and nuance.
I'm sure the polyamorous male lesbian is the next-level of pick-up artistry. Naive college girls think they're being radically intersectional, when in reality they're just being passed around for public use.
This is some gross transphobia
An incredible piece. Your writing weaves through me so simply and profoundly. You also illuminate a very similar thread as a friend of mine Rae, who has written a few longer pieces and notes on this phenomenon as someone who has navigated it herself. You might like https://substack.com/@raeamiedwyer/note/c-77597220?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=uc2b7