Getting Cancelled Changed My Life for the Better.

My 1-year retrospective on Substack

“Grillz”. Photographer: Alexandria Pierre-Etienne. Creative Director/Model: N3VLYNNN

It’s been one year since I started writing on Substack. I’d like to take a moment to reflect on my journey—how I arrived here, and how far I have come—with those who have supported me along the way. 

…

On April 27, 2023, I awakened to see that my Instagram page had been suspended. 

The night before, I had stepped out of line by amplifying the stories of de-transitioned black lesbians. I had posted a few videos by these women in an effort to uplift voices that were not being heard in the broader discussion about gender ideology. By the time I went to sleep, my work had begun to circulate and provoke discussion. By the time I woke up, everything was gone.

Overnight, 8 years of meticulous digital curation as a pole dance artist, writer, visual artist, and authentic outpourings of my humanity had been permanently erased. I was instantly disconnected from thousands of followers. They did not even bother to pack my things into a box and hand it to me so that I could keep the mementos and fruits of my labor. They just destroyed it. 

In addition to this, all the other accounts I’d ever created under the Meta brand had been affected, including my personal Facebook page, my 13 year old business page for my documentary film, and the Instagram page for my Haus of Isis women’s wellness brand. I had not been speaking about gender-critical issues on any of these pages, but I was locked out, nonetheless. 

Instinctively, I opened a Substack account, and wrote my first post. 

I had known about Substack for about 2 months by that time. I didn’t know very much about it, but I knew it would be welcoming to voices like mine. I had learned about it by way of WDI’s Black Women’s Caucus founder, Lorraine Nowlin. I thought, if she can speak freely on here, then so can I. 

I salvaged a few of my gender-critical Instagram posts that I originally designed in Canva, and formatted them to be reposted here. Then, I emailed the handful of women in my Sapphic Women of Color group and told them what happened. I posted a video on Youtube explaining that I’ve been cancelled, and I asked my long-time supporters to follow me too. 

So began my journey as a Writer and Creative on this platform.

I began writing, the way I know how to write. The way my soul felt called to write… 

It was the way I had been writing on social media all this time, but Substack offered me more space. More options. More ways to naturally offer my readers a way to sustainably support me for being who I am, and doing the work that I do. 

I was no longer cramped into Instagram’s little story box—where I used to pack my big thoughts and experiences into a tiny slide show. I no longer had a word limit, or the risk of shadow banning. 

And I feel safe here. 

Substack feels like a safe space for me to truly express myself, without being policed or punished for it. As someone who has always colored outside of the lines, this is incredibly valuable to me. 

Some people who have followed my work may already know this, but Substack is not my first merry-go-round with blogging. 

I started a Youtube channel in 2008, to speak my mind about philosophical and social issues that lit a fire in my heart. I later expanded my channel into a space where I could open up more vulnerably about my life and personal journey.

I grew and nurtured that channel for 7 years, with my most active years from 2008-2015. 

I also hosted other blogs on Tumblr and Wordpress from 2014-2016. Then I started my Instagram page, where I was micro-blogging for years, alongside my self-designed Artist website, where I occasionally posted long-form pieces. 

So, I have been doing this for my entire adult life. 

And during most of this time, I never even thought about money. 

For me, blogging was freedom.

It was my expression and expansion space, and it still is.

I would say that my experience as a digital Writer and Media Maker has played a key role in raising me up as a Woman. It has helped me hone my authentic voice, and learn who I am in reflection with others. It has drawn me closer to my tribe. 

As I’ve walked through life, I realized that I don’t fit very well into boxes. Going the conventional route for most things, just never worked out for me. 

It wasn’t my fault. It’s like God spat me out of situations that weren’t meant for me. 

I realized that being who I am in this world requires me to carve out my own lane. 

I knew that preserving my freedom to be the powerful voice that I am requires me to earn a living from my gifts. 

Slowly, over time, I have had to figure out ways to ensure that the creative work I invest in is built to sustain me in a harmonious way—in a way that is aligned with my values and spirit. 

Substack has met me where I am. And so have many of my paid subscribers who generously pour back into me, as much as I pour into my work. 

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It has not always been easy for me, here. I have had my ups and downs. 

There was a time at the beginning of this year when I was on the verge of quitting. I had a 45 minute goodbye video that I was ready to post, and everything. 

I looked around and did not see anyone quite like me, doing what I was doing, and I felt like there was nowhere I truly fit. I did not know how I would rebuild my audience, with no social media. 

I was struggling so deeply in life, and I needed solutions. I worried that the cost of challenging the status quo and being true to myself was not worth it. I thought, maybe I should try to blend in to survive. Maybe I should quit. All I saw was a long, dark tunnel with no light at the end of it. 

Outside of Substack, I was going through a lot in my personal life—which I have written about in-depth on this platform. In retrospect, that darkness was truly at the core of my discouragement. 

Then I woke up the next morning, and I said to myself: “But what about that essay you want to do about Pauli Murray?”

And what about those responses you want to do to your old YouTube videos? 

And what about those books you want to write? And the interviews you wanted to do? 

And what about the stories you have to tell? 

And what about….me? 

Where will I write for me? 

And just like that…I decided to continue. And I am so, so grateful I did. Because every inch of that push-through has been worth it. 

I did publish my essay on Pauli Murray. I did tell my stories.

After a year of growing at a snail’s pace, I have nearly tripled my subscriber count in the past 6 weeks. I have collaborated with individuals and platforms that I have admired for months and years. 

I have discovered and implemented a way to build my audience in a way that feels sustainable, attainable, and aligned with my values…all without having to maintain a presence on Big Tech social media. 

And my name and essay is now cited on Pauli Murray’s Wikipedia page. 

I don’t know where my path is leading me, but I know that I am on the right one. 

For those who appreciate my holistic presence, and for those who support me in the ways you are able—just know that I love, see, and appreciate all of you. 

There is still so much more to come…

And I am grateful that you are coming along with me for the ride.

Thank yew.

🌺