Women Are Allowed To Be As Sexually Selective As We Want.

A couple of days ago, I wrote a Note on Substack:

Today, my doctor suggested I get a standing order of STD screening every 3-6 months. I waved it off saying, “Oh no that won’t be necessary. I don’t have sex that often. I wish!” 

She sort of huffed me off and said, “Well, I’m sure you could fix that right away if you wanted to!”

As I biked away from the clinic, I felt a little flattered, yet annoyed by her statement. 

Who am I going to fuck in this town, Lisa? 

Is it the spineless, birkenstock-wearing white liberals…or the barely legal college students?

I have standards, too.

…

The whole day these thoughts were swirling in my mind, I was both cracking up, and pouting with genuine annoyance. After publishing the note, I was met with an equal amount of laughter from those who read my status. 

It was a very serious-but-not-serious joke. Just me, laughing at my own life. 

But this morning, a woman responded to my statement about having standards around who I sleep with by saying:

“Unless you have a husband who drugs you every single night and brings men around to rape you”

Um.

Why would you project such a horrifying vision onto me when that is not my reality? Is this your “feminist” response to a real woman having bodily autonomy? 

The message is to slap me in the face with this idea that I’m privileged for having options. To make me feel bad about feeling empowered enough to have standards for who I’m intimate with, when there are other, less fortunate women in the world. 

It’s clear that many people get very angry with women for being sexually selective. 

Women around the world are born into a culture of sexual slavery that pervades even the most developed countries. And when women do have options, the most severe abuse that women face for embracing them is from men. 

This is why so many women have grown to fear strange men who approach us, resorting to giving out fake numbers and smiles. A lot of men retaliate when they don’t receive what they feel entitled to—calling us names, throwing things at us, and becoming physically violent. 

However, some women also get angry at other women for being sexually selective, whether that’s influenced by her attractiveness, self-worth, or due to the options her life circumstance offers. 

This is pure jealousy and resentment. An outgrowth from a world of pain of feeling disempowered in her own body. 

But just as a reminder, a woman selectively choosing her mate is natural order. 

It’s a right, not a privilege or a luxury. 

The fact that some women are more readily able to exercise their right to their own bodies—doesn’t give anybody a free pass to shame her as if she’s some tone-deaf, privileged bitch.

Sexual abuse is extremely common. How does she know that the gruesome scenario she painted didn’t happen to me?

You never know the journey someone had to walk to reach a place where they feel safe and empowered in their body, or to feel worthy and desirable. 

Pulling out a card of “unless you get raped” is abusive and beyond fucked up. 

And even for the minority of women who have been fortunate enough to never experience sexual violence—or at least not the most severe manifestations of it—this fear-mongering is used to control and manipulate them. 

It’s wrong, no matter who it’s coming from. 

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I didn’t mean to take such a serious turn with my original Note-it was meant to be lighthearted and funny. 

But apparently, when a woman exudes any sort of confidence, there is always someone lurking in the corner, wanting to put her in her place.

In any case, I have no shame around my abstinence. 

For me, it’s a sign of growth and self-respect. 

And I do not mean that in a puritanical way. I mean that in the sense that I am clear about what I want and I have no desire to settle for less. 

I enjoy sex and relationships very much and I’d like to reserve myself for the most aligned, high-quality connections. 

People who don’t understand me very well, are bound to make ill-fitting suggestions around whom I might share attraction with—and these statements can evoke a deep sense of alienation. 

This exchange with my doctor was one of those times. Just thought I’d share. 

Laughter can be healing too.