What I’ve Learned About Friendship Within The Past Few Years
I’ve been reflecting on friendship a great deal this year: The absence of friendship, lessons learned from misaligned friendships, how to build community, and how to break old cycles so that I can have the intimate relationships I desire and deserve.
Lighting my path forward into building positive, strong relationships in my life is a continual process for me.
It’s something I journal about, and engage with in therapy, a lot. In light of my prior post on offering remedies for lonely women, I’m inspired to share some personal, powerful insights I’ve learned, as I’ve healed and engaged in deep reflection about friendship.
Great friendships are foundational for great romantic partnerships.
Although certain qualities you’re seeking in a partner vs. friend may be different, you still have to be just as intentional about which friend you choose to bring into your life, and you need to take care to nurture and grow your friendship over time.
A great romantic partner must also be a great friend, so learning how to choose your friends wisely will help you choose an aligned partner.
I also think if you want to have a healthy, balanced romantic relationship, you need to make sure you have some great friendships and community in your life, first.
Not only are friendships and community a great way to practice relational skills that you can apply to partnerships, they also provide various sources of human support and social fulfillment in your life, so that you don’t end up dumping all of that responsibility onto a single person.
A friend who doesn’t love herself will not be able to fully show up for you.
No matter how amazing, smart, kindhearted, or (insert x good quality here)…A friend who does not love herself will not be able to fully show up for you as a friend. And she is also likely to hurt and betray you at some point, because that is all she knows how to do for herself, which is the most single most important relationship that she has in her life. It has nothing to do with whether she is a ‘good’ person or not. It is what it is.
Self-love is a lifelong practice that we have to choose each day, in various moments of our daily lives. Practice is not about perfection, but it is about devotion. Someone who is not in the practice of self-love, and who is actively engaging in self-destructive behaviors and thoughts—is never going to be able to engage in a healthy, loving relationship or fully show up for you, even if you like each other and share a genuine bond.
The other piece to this, is that it’s important for you to to be in the practice of loving yourself, so that you can practice discernment and position yourself to see the other person clearly. It’s impossible to discern where someone else is at, when you’re seeing through foggy glasses.
Love begets love.
I need to position myself to have the type of friendship I want and deserve.