Yesterday, a reader of mine recently expressed “concern for my mental health” under a note where I shared my experience and assessment of sexual harassment.
A lot of this mirrors/recalls to me our exchange just now and yeah, it's exactly what I was talking about with it being easy to minimize staring - but there is NO mammal who misunderstands a blatant stare. Not one that they are receiving. The lady in your comments would get it too if she was on the receiving end of it.. though she might deny it to herself or just be unable to consciously identify the source of her discomfort.
It is a form of aggression to so openly and pointedly display your attention. Anyone who denies that is probably thinking of themselves as having transcended their animal ancestry as well.
Especially the second guy with the smirk gave me the heebie jeebies to read about, wtf what a creep. That shit isn't even a come-on, it's just sexualized aggression.
Yes! It is easy to minimize staring but everyone knows what it means. Everyone, across various species! This is primal evolution basics 101. I just feel like people get angry and/or feel uncomfortable with women naming sexual aggression for what it is when we are supposed to stay silent and blow it off as the natural consequence of being "pretty". Admiration feels totally different vs. creepy, aggressive gazing and we're taught to blur them together and relax our boundaries so that men can have easier access to us. Brainwashing us out of our natural instincts.
I’m sorry you received a response questioning your mental health. What you described is a very real and deeply uncomfortable experience, and dismissing it like that only shows a lack of understanding.
Many of us grow up aware of the male gaze from a very young age, often before we even have the words to describe why it feels wrong. As children it can be confusing and unsettling; as adults we recognise more clearly the risks and dynamics behind it.
While not every woman has experienced the exact same situation, most of us have experienced something similar enough to recognise the feeling.
Talking about it openly matters, and it certainly doesn’t make someone “mentally unwell” to name something that many women quietly navigate throughout their lives.
Thank you 🌺 Yes this is unfortunately a universal female experience. I think women who minimize it often have their own issues but it always hurts to be invalidated by those who are meant to support and understand you the most.
Sexual harassment in particular is minimized so much. It can feel like I'm sticking my neck to talk about how much it bothers me but I can't ignore it, and talking about it does help me feel better. 💜
Just because you're paranoid that doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. It's way better to be aware of your surroundings however unpleasant than to be caught by those who want to do more than stare.
This too! I am a little paranoid when I get anxious but never delusional. And even if I did have a mental illness that caused delusions, it doesn't mean men would ever stop harassing me.
Sorry to hear that someone is minimising your experience around sexual harassment and you calling out staring for being just that. The reader is not living in the real world, or as you say has a narrow mindset of what sexual harassment is.
In the UK there are posters up on the London underground about staring and that it's not OK to do it and to contact transport police if you feel unsafe.
Of course it is sexual harassment and it can be a daily occurrence for many women. Why should we just brush that off, or brush off a man calling out to us, or making comments about our face or our bodies whenever they want to.
Keep your eyes, thoughts and hands to yourself and get out of my space!!
One positive of getting older has been less attention from men, how wonderful! But as women we shouldn't have to wait until men find us less desirable because we are over their pervy age threshold.
Another thing is that if we say something about their staring, we are often met with hostility, verbal violence and possibly physical violence, so then we often have to choose to stay silent and move away if we can, or just ignore it, or even smile to get out of a difficult situation, out of fear of retaliation. That is an unequal power dynamic and it can lead to patterns of behaviour in women that takes years to unlearn.
I learned to fawn to stay safe and now in my 50s I am unlearning all of that. I grew up from the age of 13 with men sexually harassing me every day. It has an effect.
Thank you for writing about it. It's real and it affects women everywhere. 💚
Thanks, Louise. Yeah this is such a pervasive issue for women everywhere. Personally, I also find myself using various tools to get out of sticky situations with men, and the unequal power dynamic does create certain patterns. What I learned is that fawning helps sometimes but other times it just exacerbates the issue because some men will think it's an invitation. There is not a single right or wrong way to deal with these dynamics; it's always going to be on a case-by-case basis. Men are no longer part of my inner-circle; they are only part of my public life, so having that boundary does help a lot. Although, it would be great to feel more supported by men who really get it.
A lot of this mirrors/recalls to me our exchange just now and yeah, it's exactly what I was talking about with it being easy to minimize staring - but there is NO mammal who misunderstands a blatant stare. Not one that they are receiving. The lady in your comments would get it too if she was on the receiving end of it.. though she might deny it to herself or just be unable to consciously identify the source of her discomfort.
It is a form of aggression to so openly and pointedly display your attention. Anyone who denies that is probably thinking of themselves as having transcended their animal ancestry as well.
Especially the second guy with the smirk gave me the heebie jeebies to read about, wtf what a creep. That shit isn't even a come-on, it's just sexualized aggression.
Yes! It is easy to minimize staring but everyone knows what it means. Everyone, across various species! This is primal evolution basics 101. I just feel like people get angry and/or feel uncomfortable with women naming sexual aggression for what it is when we are supposed to stay silent and blow it off as the natural consequence of being "pretty". Admiration feels totally different vs. creepy, aggressive gazing and we're taught to blur them together and relax our boundaries so that men can have easier access to us. Brainwashing us out of our natural instincts.
I’m sorry you received a response questioning your mental health. What you described is a very real and deeply uncomfortable experience, and dismissing it like that only shows a lack of understanding.
Many of us grow up aware of the male gaze from a very young age, often before we even have the words to describe why it feels wrong. As children it can be confusing and unsettling; as adults we recognise more clearly the risks and dynamics behind it.
While not every woman has experienced the exact same situation, most of us have experienced something similar enough to recognise the feeling.
Talking about it openly matters, and it certainly doesn’t make someone “mentally unwell” to name something that many women quietly navigate throughout their lives.
Thank you 🌺 Yes this is unfortunately a universal female experience. I think women who minimize it often have their own issues but it always hurts to be invalidated by those who are meant to support and understand you the most.
Sexual harassment in particular is minimized so much. It can feel like I'm sticking my neck to talk about how much it bothers me but I can't ignore it, and talking about it does help me feel better. 💜
Just because you're paranoid that doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. It's way better to be aware of your surroundings however unpleasant than to be caught by those who want to do more than stare.
This too! I am a little paranoid when I get anxious but never delusional. And even if I did have a mental illness that caused delusions, it doesn't mean men would ever stop harassing me.
Sorry to hear that someone is minimising your experience around sexual harassment and you calling out staring for being just that. The reader is not living in the real world, or as you say has a narrow mindset of what sexual harassment is.
In the UK there are posters up on the London underground about staring and that it's not OK to do it and to contact transport police if you feel unsafe.
Of course it is sexual harassment and it can be a daily occurrence for many women. Why should we just brush that off, or brush off a man calling out to us, or making comments about our face or our bodies whenever they want to.
Keep your eyes, thoughts and hands to yourself and get out of my space!!
One positive of getting older has been less attention from men, how wonderful! But as women we shouldn't have to wait until men find us less desirable because we are over their pervy age threshold.
Another thing is that if we say something about their staring, we are often met with hostility, verbal violence and possibly physical violence, so then we often have to choose to stay silent and move away if we can, or just ignore it, or even smile to get out of a difficult situation, out of fear of retaliation. That is an unequal power dynamic and it can lead to patterns of behaviour in women that takes years to unlearn.
I learned to fawn to stay safe and now in my 50s I am unlearning all of that. I grew up from the age of 13 with men sexually harassing me every day. It has an effect.
Thank you for writing about it. It's real and it affects women everywhere. 💚
Thanks, Louise. Yeah this is such a pervasive issue for women everywhere. Personally, I also find myself using various tools to get out of sticky situations with men, and the unequal power dynamic does create certain patterns. What I learned is that fawning helps sometimes but other times it just exacerbates the issue because some men will think it's an invitation. There is not a single right or wrong way to deal with these dynamics; it's always going to be on a case-by-case basis. Men are no longer part of my inner-circle; they are only part of my public life, so having that boundary does help a lot. Although, it would be great to feel more supported by men who really get it.