Holidays are the Ass Crack of the Year.
Oops, My Inner-Grinch Came Out of the Closet!
Christmas Holidays are the hardest time of the year for me.
In my early childhood, holidays were amazing and magical around this time of year. My parents really made Christmas special. Our living room boasted a real, deliciously fragrant Fir tree, beautifully decorated to the nines with baubles and ornaments, topped by a black porcelain angel.
Christmas morning was cozily warm and special. We ran downstairs in our socks and Jammies, excited to unwrap our presents. The cookies and milk were half eaten in the fireplace, a sign that Santa came down the chimney and enjoyed our offering.
My brother and I were spoiled with gifts. The harsh winter didn’t bother us one bit. More snowmen to build. More snowball fights to throw. More cushion for our sleds.
In fact, every single holiday and season was special, like its own birthday with its own special colors, themes, and treats.
And then, slowly but surely…my family disintegrated.
An absence here.
A divorce there.
A suicide here.
A lost mind over there.
Silent denial rings up here.
Wounded hearts deep down there.
Walk away into a distance far over there….
And before you know it, here I am. Spending the holidays estranged from my family, to keep myself safe.
I celebrated the fact that I found such a wonderful cat-sitting opportunity to take me through the holidays. Cat-sitting has allowed me to take care of myself in ways that would not have been possible, had I remained in a broken home.
I’ve been taking this time to write a short memoir about a pretty heavy experience I had last year, which I am still healing from.
I’m extremely grateful to have a safe container to process my experiences, and this space has been beautiful and restorative.
But I have to admit, no matter how much I care for myself over the holidays, this time of year inevitably comes with immense grief and loneliness.
This is mostly because everything is closed down so that everyone else can be with their families (blood-related or chosen)…and I do not have those relationships in my life right now.
Hence, the world feels like it’s closing on me.
So, I am robbed of the ability to live a normal life, doing the things that I normally do…and I am forced to confront the pain of estrangement from my family, as well as the fact that I have no consistent sense of community.
The two-week holiday period always feels like I’m holding my breath underwater, waiting for it to all be over so I can breathe again.
December holidays are unnecessarily long, cold, and forcibly jolly.
This time of year always feels like an endurance test.
My dream is to one day, be able to travel somewhere where there is no Christmas, and lots of cats.
I am thinking Istanbul, for starters.
Same with Thanksgiving, and all of the major cold-weather holidays. I’d like to visit somewhere it doesn’t exist, so I can live my damn life.
I had a taste of that when I traveled to Jamaica during Valentines Day.
What a relief it was, to be in a culture where nobody had the interest or resources to perform such a saccharine version of love. As with every other year, I did not have a Valentine. Yet I was romanced every single moment I walked outside.
One day, I’d love to have chosen family and friends with whom we can create our own traditions.
It does not have to be that we celebrate Christmas, but American culture makes this time of year very conducive to spending time with your loved ones, and this is my home, so why not? I want this for myself, one day.
Love is what makes life worth living.
I pray for patience and grace as I cultivate more of that love within myself, to make way for the relationships that can go the full distance with me.
I really sympathize since this time of year is maddening with the forced jocularity and cheerful greetings that are glaring if we don't respond in kind. I too had a wonderful Xmess (as I call it now) growing up, with just my parents and me, on their best behavior, with my father not out of town for once and my mother not getting drunk in a bar and brawling and wrecking the car or getting thrown in jail. But when I got into the Lesbian community, my father married the woman he'd had on the side all those years and she convinced him her son was his (we later found out that was a lie), and I wasn't relating to males any more anyway. I still saw my mother, but I was not going to celebrate any of those holidays. I keep telling friends too that we need to have our own celebrations to make up for these times, like really make birthdays important.
What we need and what you should have is a community that is always there, and even more present and loving during these times. For me, that's mostly Lesbians who I do nature walks with (and a couple of dances are coming up, though they are in het bars since we don't have our own spaces any more.) Some friends celebrate this time, but most don't for various reasons. Some leave their lovers to celebrate with family far away, but I'm here for all the friends who might feel lonely and want company. I try to have something planned almost everyday (tomorrow a friend and I are going to see the Sandhill Cranes and other migratory birds), since it's so important to not feel sad or lonely or depressed. If we lived closer, I'd invite you to do something. (I'm so chemically injured that I do most visits outside. But it's not too cold here and there is amazing wildlife nearby. One animal we always hope to see are Bobcats, but I keep saying it's time to see another Mountain Lion, plus there is so much more, but I know you like cats.
Anyway, I wish I could help in person, but know you are not alone and are loved and valued.
Some of my dearest friends now who I see every week at least, I met by just going up to them because they looked possibly like Lesbians, introducing myself, and asking if they would want to exchange emails and get together some time, like to take nature walks, look for birds, etc. (One turned out to be walking distance from where I live and I've learned so much from her about birds, photography, etc.)
Oh and don't criticize yourself for not liking this time of year. If there were Lesbian email lists or groups on FB, etc. near you, you could organize a potluck with other Lesbians specifically to complain about Xmess....
I can definitely relate to staying away from people to be safe. Many people in my life have always somehow or another tried to destabilize me by making me emotionally unsafe and it has been utterly exhausting. I feel if I were physically less powerful, I would probably be subjected to physical attacks as well. Like you I am ever optimistic for better connections and relationships, but in the mean time I relish spending the holidays in peace.