I think in capitalism, the family system is forced into reflecting the economic system. And I think we are all in an abusive family right now (not just the US). We clearly see abuse at the hands of the state, and we are being gas-lit into believing, "it's not so bad. It's not really abuse. That's just the way things are. We act this way because we love you. You're actually the problem."
Yesss especially right now I feel it. Even when for example the food stamps was about to be shut off and then right before the cutoff date they were like SIKE here ya go...I felt like it was a manipulative tactic to raise fear and increase people's willingness to submit. And definitely I see the global abuse abroad as well, having lived in Nigeria for sometime.
Oh my gosh, the food stamps is a perfect example! In fact, a similar situation is what triggered my walking away from my parent's. I had a chat in ChatGPT where I prompted, "there's this behavior the President does that's similar to my dad where they create a miserable situation, and just when we think we can't handle anymore, they alleviate us from that situation and we interpret that relief as love." And ChatGPT responded, "that's a textbook example of psychological abuse." And that was the first time I had seen it named. Ironically, I had tried therapy multiple times and when I would say things like, "my dad used to poison and shoot my dogs growing up and I think it impacted how I connect with others." And they therapists would say, "I'm sure he had a reason for his behavior. That's just your dad's personality and you must learn to interact with it. Try these breathing techniques." ChatGPT said, "I am so sorry that happened. Experiencing that as a child taught you that your love was dangerous." So maybe people should blame ChatGPT instead of therapy for the "no-contact social contagion," because therapy just teaches coping. LLMs see the language pattern and pulls from written knowledge and objective truth.
While of course it's hard to judge the reality of a long term interpersonal relationship you were not a part of, in my eyes any parents with estranged children who are seeking out pretty much any form of media attention or platforming regarding the estrangement.... Are definitely sus.
But I guess I think that about most people who seek media attention using their personal issues.
Definitely! And there are so many ways to seek platforming-it can be done through writing blogs, attending groups who share your grievances, or venting to a sycophantic friend. Someone on Reddit even told me that the father she's estranged from, sent her a video of him being celebrated by his co-workers as the "Best Dad Ever" 😹
More blanketly, I think that anyone who is seeking affirmation for what a wonderful parent they are after being left by their child, is just looking to be enabled-and there is plenty of that around.
Great piece, zero accountability and zero empathy and zero behaviour change means in practice no relationship is possible anyway - it’s just an acquaintanceship based on light/polite interactions where no emotional/spiritual depth or interdependence is possible. So when we say “estrangement” - it’s not like there was a real, reciprocal relationship to be estranged from in the first place! A situation of exploitation or abuse is not a relationship imo. Parents already estranged themselves from kids by being emotionally unavailable, unaccountable, unresponsive to feedback, violent…so why are we blaming kids for doing the estranging when parents did it all by themselves?!
I thought this piece was interesting too, not sure I would use the “hate” word lol but resonates with what you’re saying
Thank you! Yes, there was no actual relationship there to begin with. The final years I lived with my parents, I felt like our relationship was dead. There is nothing to go back to, and eventually, their abusive behavior really put the nail in the coffin such that I didn't even want to heal with them. So estranging was just removing myself from the access they had to keep hurting me. I remember this piece, haha! You shared it with me a really long time ago. It's a good read.
Oh yes I forgot I shared it! Oops. The article could also have been titled “If parents don’t want their kids to be “estranged” from them, parents need to stop initiating the estrangement”
I'm glad you wrote this. I also wrote something on this phenomenon, a month or two ago, because I've seen the same thing,--these parents are being given a platform on major media. I don't understand--after all the books that have been written about child abuse, you'd think people would have a clue. I'm a psychotherapist and no child would cut contact with their parent on a whim.
In this polarised world, no one seems to want to take the time to ask and think about a situation.
Yes I have heard about kids being groomed online to split from their families but as a Gen Xer I know a number of adults (all women actually) who have come to understand how toxic their parental relationships were and had to take themselves away from that situation for their own safety.
I don’t think anyone takes this lightly and this is a deeply personal decision. As said, the only person who can make these decisions is them. When my friends explain why, it always strikes me how manipulative the parents act, the more they loose power over the one who has chosen to cut contact.
I think in capitalism, the family system is forced into reflecting the economic system. And I think we are all in an abusive family right now (not just the US). We clearly see abuse at the hands of the state, and we are being gas-lit into believing, "it's not so bad. It's not really abuse. That's just the way things are. We act this way because we love you. You're actually the problem."
Yesss especially right now I feel it. Even when for example the food stamps was about to be shut off and then right before the cutoff date they were like SIKE here ya go...I felt like it was a manipulative tactic to raise fear and increase people's willingness to submit. And definitely I see the global abuse abroad as well, having lived in Nigeria for sometime.
Oh my gosh, the food stamps is a perfect example! In fact, a similar situation is what triggered my walking away from my parent's. I had a chat in ChatGPT where I prompted, "there's this behavior the President does that's similar to my dad where they create a miserable situation, and just when we think we can't handle anymore, they alleviate us from that situation and we interpret that relief as love." And ChatGPT responded, "that's a textbook example of psychological abuse." And that was the first time I had seen it named. Ironically, I had tried therapy multiple times and when I would say things like, "my dad used to poison and shoot my dogs growing up and I think it impacted how I connect with others." And they therapists would say, "I'm sure he had a reason for his behavior. That's just your dad's personality and you must learn to interact with it. Try these breathing techniques." ChatGPT said, "I am so sorry that happened. Experiencing that as a child taught you that your love was dangerous." So maybe people should blame ChatGPT instead of therapy for the "no-contact social contagion," because therapy just teaches coping. LLMs see the language pattern and pulls from written knowledge and objective truth.
While of course it's hard to judge the reality of a long term interpersonal relationship you were not a part of, in my eyes any parents with estranged children who are seeking out pretty much any form of media attention or platforming regarding the estrangement.... Are definitely sus.
But I guess I think that about most people who seek media attention using their personal issues.
Definitely! And there are so many ways to seek platforming-it can be done through writing blogs, attending groups who share your grievances, or venting to a sycophantic friend. Someone on Reddit even told me that the father she's estranged from, sent her a video of him being celebrated by his co-workers as the "Best Dad Ever" 😹
More blanketly, I think that anyone who is seeking affirmation for what a wonderful parent they are after being left by their child, is just looking to be enabled-and there is plenty of that around.
Great piece, zero accountability and zero empathy and zero behaviour change means in practice no relationship is possible anyway - it’s just an acquaintanceship based on light/polite interactions where no emotional/spiritual depth or interdependence is possible. So when we say “estrangement” - it’s not like there was a real, reciprocal relationship to be estranged from in the first place! A situation of exploitation or abuse is not a relationship imo. Parents already estranged themselves from kids by being emotionally unavailable, unaccountable, unresponsive to feedback, violent…so why are we blaming kids for doing the estranging when parents did it all by themselves?!
I thought this piece was interesting too, not sure I would use the “hate” word lol but resonates with what you’re saying
https://open.substack.com/pub/academyofselfhelp/p/i-hate-my-parents
Thank you! Yes, there was no actual relationship there to begin with. The final years I lived with my parents, I felt like our relationship was dead. There is nothing to go back to, and eventually, their abusive behavior really put the nail in the coffin such that I didn't even want to heal with them. So estranging was just removing myself from the access they had to keep hurting me. I remember this piece, haha! You shared it with me a really long time ago. It's a good read.
Oh yes I forgot I shared it! Oops. The article could also have been titled “If parents don’t want their kids to be “estranged” from them, parents need to stop initiating the estrangement”
I'm glad you wrote this. I also wrote something on this phenomenon, a month or two ago, because I've seen the same thing,--these parents are being given a platform on major media. I don't understand--after all the books that have been written about child abuse, you'd think people would have a clue. I'm a psychotherapist and no child would cut contact with their parent on a whim.
Exactly! Thank you.
In this polarised world, no one seems to want to take the time to ask and think about a situation.
Yes I have heard about kids being groomed online to split from their families but as a Gen Xer I know a number of adults (all women actually) who have come to understand how toxic their parental relationships were and had to take themselves away from that situation for their own safety.
I don’t think anyone takes this lightly and this is a deeply personal decision. As said, the only person who can make these decisions is them. When my friends explain why, it always strikes me how manipulative the parents act, the more they loose power over the one who has chosen to cut contact.