Bisexual Women Aren't The Problem, Centering Men Is.
A couple of weeks ago, I came across a new video titled “Am I gay, straight, or what?” by Jasmyn Carter, a young black female comedienne.
She was responding to numerous questions from her fans who had apparently been dying to confirm her sexual orientation—presumably because her style and energy gave off a lesbian vibe.
Without giving a straight answer, she said that she doesn’t know what she is these days because everybody’s acting foolish! She knows that she prefers men, but SOMETYMESSSS she might just have her a woman!!!
I laughed at her random enthusiasm, and then I sighed and shook my head.
Typical.
But at that point, she had piqued my curiosity. I had never seen her before, so I decided to watch some of her other videos.
I discovered that Jasmyn had a whole schtick around being a “former lesbian” where she joked about being frequently mistaken for a stud, despite not being one. She had entire skits showcasing desperate attempts to signal her availability to men, because she is normally perceived as more masculine.
There was also an older skit about how a man wearing Old Spice can turn a stud into a femme who is attracted to men—and how the “converted” stud will still be rejected by a straight man, because she was never seen as a woman to begin with.
Her delivery was hilarious, but some of her themes didn’t sit right with me.
The men in her comments section were eating it all up, showering her with praise.
Finally, I noticed that she posted a new video called PSA: Was I supposed to Pay?, where she talked about a recent encounter with a woman who she had gone out to dinner with. The woman who she was with expected her to pay, saying that she’s the “boy” in their relationship.
Jasmyn protested, saying “No! This is foreign territory. I date boys. I don’t do this…”
Ouch.
That was actually painful to watch.
Because aside from correcting her date’s misguided perception of her, Jasmyn completely alienated herself from lesbian relationships in a really desperate way.
The way she justified her femininity by stating that she liked boys really stung.
In my opinion, gender roles in lesbian relationships are really just for our own pleasure and authentic expression.
Personally, I don’t find anything wrong with two women occupying different roles in a relationship if that’s what they prefer, as long as it’s done in an intentional and healthy way. We also don’t have to have different roles at all—or they don’t have to look conventional. It should be a personal choice.
But if you’re with someone who expects something of you that you don’t naturally carry, that means you’re in the wrong relationship, and you probably attracted that person into your life because you don’t have a great relationship with yourself.
Instead of throwing lesbian relationships under the bus, why not look in the mirror?
I don’t know if that date really happened, but it sounded like it was at least inspired by real events. Whatever the case may be—I felt that the situation Jasmyn experienced was only reflecting her own unhealed wounds.
Through her comedy, I sensed an internal struggle going on:
She clearly is attracted to women, and has a history of dating women—
But she wants to scream to the world that she likes men better, takes heterosexual relationships more seriously, and that she’s “not as gay as she looks”…even though her androgyny is likely connected to her sexuality.
Yet, she still talks about her lesbian relationships as if they’re side orders, suggesting that they only carry value in her life as the occasional fun galavant. She positions lesbianism as the butt of her jokes, where she unconsciously throws herself and other women under the bus in favor of men.
Also, I didn’t understand why she was always milking this idea that men overlook her because she has a more tomboyish style.
Like, girl…men don’t give a damn if you look gay! You can be all covered up in baggy clothes and still be coveted.
Case in point, I’m reminiscing on the music video for “Electric Relaxation” by the 90’s hip-hop group, A Tribe Called Quest, which featured a very beautiful masculine-presenting black woman as the love interest—although in my humble opinion, she looked like she should be with me.
What is considered attractive is often just a matter of the times and culture.
The male gaze is largely degenerate and subjective, anyway. Once again, Jasmyn is centering the opinions of those who don’t see or appreciate her.
At the end of the day, it’s really not that hard to attract a man (if that’s what you want)—especially if you’re as naturally beautiful as Jasmyn.
There is someone for every type of woman.
So what was she trying to say?
I stopped watching Jasmyn’s videos after that, but it got me thinking about stereotypes of bisexual women within the lesbian community.
Particularly, the phenomenon of bisexual women using lesbian relationships for fun times, “gay till graduation” scenarios, casual relationships, and sexual experiments that they use to pass the time until the day they’re ready to get serious and hunker down in their Big Daddy heterosexual marriages.
You know…the real stuff of life!!
There’s a reason why, when I first saw Jasmyn’s skit—I thought to myself:
typical.
I admit that whenever I hear a woman call herself bisexual, I assume that she’s primarily into men, unless I know that she centers lesbian relationships.
This includes women who say they’re “open to either” or they “don’t care who they end up with” or they “like who they like” and so on and so forth.
I interpret all of that to mean that they are oriented towards men, or most likely to get into a serious relationship with a man.
Straight men are more numerous, and tend to more aggressively pursue women. So if you “don’t care” who you end up with, the odds are that you will be with a man.
In the past, I’ve literally had bi female friends who have told me that they’re more attracted to women, yet their dating roster was exclusively male.
Choosing women requires more patience and intentionality, because lesbians are a marginalized group in society, and also because women are just different.
So if a woman doesn’t feel a strong enough desire or need to be with a woman, or if she doesn’t place a high value on lesbian relationships, then she will not think women are worth reserving space for in her intimate life.
Women will simply not be that important to her.
And I am not saying that devaluing lesbian relationships is always the only reason why bi women choose to partner with men over women, but it is usually the case.
Because the truth is,
For most bi women, Lesbian relationships exist purely for novelty sake.
And I am not just saying this because of my own personal biases…it is also what tends to be the case about 90% of the time.
That is what life has shown me, and also what is statistically true.
In fact it is such a thing, that when I held my “Sapphic Women of Color Space” I made sure to clarify that the space is not just for women who are “attracted” to women...
But that it was for women who love women: meaning that they are primarily or exclusively same-sex attracted, and desiring relationships with women.
In other words, my space was for women whose sexuality is female-oriented.
And as some of you know—even that got hairy at some point, because there were still a few insecure lesbians who privately expressed their prejudice and disgust for bi women as a whole—thinking that I would be cool with it, even though my space was also open to bi women.
.
Now, this is where it gets interesting…
A lot of lesbians have been hurt by bisexual women who have thrown them under the bus at some point, in favor of heterosexual relationships.
Hence, some lesbians only want to date and relate with other lesbians, and shun bi women in an attempt to avoid getting hurt.
But here is the thing:
The real problem is not whether she is bisexual.
The problem is that she is male-centered.
Craving the approval, desire, and validation of men, and embracing patriarchal values—has nothing to do with a woman’s sexuality, or with who she is at all. It has everything to do with the society we live in.
Any woman can be male-centered, regardless of her sexuality. Most women are male-centered, or have been at some point in our lives.
And being male-centered does not always have to manifest through having or wanting sexual relationships with men—there are lots of other ways that it can rear its ugly head.
As an example, just look at how many lesbians denounce their own womanhood, and throw other women under the bus to uplift ‘trans-women’.
Either way, male-centered women, will always hurt other women because they lack self-esteem.
So, shutting down an entire group of women because of their innate (or perceived) sexual orientation isn’t very emotionally intelligent. Labels are superficial.
It’s perfectly OK to seek relationships with women who you can identify with.
But if you want to align with people who will respect, love, and be loyal to you—you have to look at values and character.
Bi women are no more or less male-centered than straight or lesbian women.
It’s just that the way bisexual women express their male-centeredness is unique, in the sense that they are authentically attracted to both sexes, straddle the line between Hetero and Sapphic communities, and have the capacity to bring a different sort of baggage into their lesbian relationships.
This ‘baggage’ often manifests by way of pedestalizing romantic relationships with men, and hurting lesbians, or even hurting other bisexual women who they are intimate with, by:
Relating to women as sexual playthings, in the same way that men do.
Using women as stop-gaps, in the same way that men do.
Having a husband or boyfriend and being allowed to keep a woman on the side.
Comparing her lesbian lovers to men, because that’s her only frame of reference.
Not taking lesbian relationships seriously—in the same way our society doesn’t.
I was on the receiving end of this sort of dynamic, with my first girlfriend…