Why I No Longer Use Dating Apps
In witnessing modern dating culture, I see how central “the apps” have become to our romantic and sex lives.
A couple of years ago, I was having a conversation with a young black lesbian about dating apps when she asked me,
“Well…where else are you gonna meet someone in this day and age?”
I was taken aback by her statement, but…I got it.
In a world where everyone seems to be chronically online—it’s normal to feel like the only place where you can find your match is inside of a virtual reality.
This is why male infiltration of lesbian dating apps was seen as such a grave injustice.
Aside from the fact that it is a violation of our space….In my opinion, the real pain point is that many women rely heavily on apps to spark any form of romantic or sexual connection with another human being.
If we didn’t feel like we need the apps, their demise wouldn’t be as big of a deal.
Whenever I hear or read a story from a woman who went on a date with someone new, I’m like, “Wow, how did that happen?!”
For me, going on a date with someone new is such a rare occurrence these days…I wonder how it’s so commonplace for them.
The catch is that most young women I’ve seen who have active dating lives, are usually sourcing their dates from one of the major dating apps, especially sapphic women.
And, dating apps are just not my steez.
But before I get into why that is…I do want to say that I used to love dating apps.
I was an avid OKCupid user, back in the early 2010s, when it was good.
Let me explain…
OKCupid was like Facebook and Myspace combined, but for dating.
It was open-format, so you could search for what kind of person you wanted to meet super easily.
No swiping, no “pay to view”, no funny business.
And everyone was on OKCupid. Or at least, that’s how it felt.
But what I loved most about OKCupid were the writing prompts.
¡Ohhhh my! Did I have a field day with those prompts!!
I wrote short essays, poetry, prose…
I used weird punctuation and special characters…
I was raw, vulnerable, soulful, and boldly artistic.
I let it all hang out, chiiiile!!!
And, I was also very clear and direct about my needs and what I was looking for.
My username was Graffiti N Hydro.
I’ve actually re-published one of my OKCupid introductions on my old blog.
For me, OKCupid was just a playground of cathartic self-expression. A medium for authentic connection.
At the beginning of 2013, I decided to do a special photo shoot for my OKCupid profile.
I wore my favorite “New York” outfit, whipped out my webcam and my filmmaking skills, and took self-portraits of myself all over my room…a couple of which I’ve included here. Then, I named each photo, and included it in the caption.
Yup. I was strange in all the right places!
Now some of you may remember that around this time, OKCupid was conducting research on race and dating preferences. In 2014, they published a controversial study with the conclusion that black women are the least popular and least desirable women.
This study was all the rage in the media, and there were many ongoing cultural discussions about it.
I have to say that this was not my experience.
OKCupid actually awarded me as one of the “most attractive” people on their site numerous times, based on the ratings other users had given me. This (presumably) opened me up to better quality matches.
At the time, I was living in Brooklyn and I was open to dating both men and women. I had no issue finding dates, and I had plenty of suitors. Overall, it was a fun and enjoyable experience. I met a lot of genuinely interesting people through that site, including a new partner.
I am honestly very suspicious as to why OKCupid felt the need to come out with that study, only to reinforce the cultural message that black women are the least desirable race of women.
While it is true that some of our natural features do not fit mainstream Eurocentric beauty standards, I have always found that black women are well-loved in Africa, as well as cosmopolitan melting pots like New York and Paris.
Now let’s get into why I don’t fuck with dating apps, and why I haven’t used them since this golden era of the early 2010s.
Despite trying to get back on the apps a few times in the past decade, my average track record before deleting my profile has been a whopping 15 minutes.
There are lots of reasons for that—some of which are about my own personal philosophy on love and sex, my core values, how I have grown into myself as a woman, as well as my user experience with the apps.
I also share how I cultivate my love life, and my vision for a future relationship.