Late February has hit me like a soldier who suddenly ran out of adrenaline in a war she’s finally won.
As winter roars on its last leg, I must confess: I iz tired.
I went into winter season thinking: “I got this”.
I thought to myself, “Yeah...it’s gonna suck. Winter is always challenging. After all—it’s winter. But I’ll make it through”. And I did.
I have learned how to take care of myself through winter. Light and movement are my medicine to keep seasonal depression at bay, and I make sure to get regular doses of each daily: once at sunrise, once in the afternoon.
I eat healthfully year-round and integrate a variety of herbs into my diet, which staves off cold and sickness.
These practices have helped me thrive through winter, and I’m extremely grateful that I’ve learned to implement them.
But today, staring out my window into the eyes of yet another empty grey sky, I found myself thinking, “Never again.”
Because no matter how well I care for myself, there is something else that comes with winter that I no longer want to subject myself to. Something has shifted within me, and I am reorienting and leaning into that shift.
I know it is very popular to demonize winter, but I know better than that.
As a child, every season came with its own gifts, and I loved each season equally.
Springtime came with Easter egg hunts, rain-boots, and flowers.
Summertime with outdoor games, sunshine, and super soakers.
Fall with crunchy colorful piles of leaves to prepare and jump into like a cushy bed.
And winter…Winter came with snowball fights, sledding, ice skating, hot chocolate, and the magic of Christmas, for starters...
There was no such thing as a bad, depressing, or hard season.
Winter is part of nature, and nature is beautiful.
But my enjoyment of winter as a child didn’t happen by accident.
It happened within the containment of family and companionship. It happened through access and resources.
The things that absolutely thrilled me about winter: Sledding, Ice Skating, Snowball fights, Snow Angels, the joy of seeing my school announced on local news for closures due to weather…all of those things happened in community.
My present adult life is lived almost entirely in solitude.
And while I do enjoy my own company, I also recognize that many joys of winter are those which I would most enjoy sharing with a companion.
I cannot have a snowball fight with myself. It’s no fun doing a risky activity like sledding or ice skating all alone—and it’s painfully lonely when everyone around you is paired up with their partners and families.
I’ve made attempts to replicate the delightfulness of my early childhood in the 90’s…
This year, I looked into ice skating lessons so that I could enjoy a winter sport in community with others, but I was turned off by the fact that you have to commit to an expensive multi-week class package before knowing what you’re getting yourself into.
So there is little left to uniquely enjoy about winter.
It is just cold, dark, and heavy with no rhyme or reason.
And I can’t live like that.
My awakening happened this year, for reasons I didn’t expect…