On ( Not ) Feeling Desirable in Lesbian Spaces.

Navigating Lesbian Relationships & Healing From Abuse

Desirability is a vulnerable topic for me to write (or even think) about, because the truth is that I don’t feel very desired by other women.

Whenever this thought comes up for me, I push it away because I don’t want to feed myself the idea that I’m undesirable.

I don’t believe I’m undesirable.

So, why does this feeling keep following me around like a shadow?

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Some women—mostly masculine lesbians—have spoken about feeling less visible by men, and more desired by women.

I experience the inverse.

I receive a lot of male attention, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. I also receive lots of compliments from straight women. At times, it can be very flattering.

But whenever I pass a stud in the wild, 99% of the time, they act like I don’t even exist.

I wrote about this a couple of years ago, and not much has changed.

I changed, though.

I learned to curb my natural interest whenever I see them, so that I don’t expect any sort of acknowledgement or reciprocal warmth.

I have learned to pretend we are not in the same room.

I learned how to protect myself from the frostbite I get from all that cold shoulder.

Of course, that can shift in the rare cases that I sense openness. But I admit that I have learned to put my guard up around these women who I otherwise love so much.

I’ve questioned if I should even be attracted to a group of people that does not see me.

It’s a very strange dynamic, to have my beauty and desirability constantly affirmed by heterosexual people, but not by women who love women.

I used to have an inside joke (with myself) that if I wanted to be desirable to more women, I know exactly what I would do:

I’d abbreviate my name, use they/them pronouns, play up my androgyny, talk some intellectual queer theory bullshit out the side of my mouth, and essentially, become a caricature of myself.

Aside from panties being thrown at me, I’m sure I’d get plenty of professional opportunities, too!

I’d be able to pull it off very well. Some people have perceived me as this Avatar without me having to embody it.

However, I personally believe that living a lie is a fast-track to cancer and other life-threatening illnesses.

And unfortunately, I’m not willing to sell my soul.

So, we’re back to square one.

…

I have found that desirability is not just about beauty itself. It’s not a matter of whether you are beautiful or not, it’s about how you are received within a particular “sexual marketplace”, and also, who you wish to be desired by.

Desirability is heavily influenced by culture and environment.

Aside from my appearance, being who I am has definitely impacted my experience with dating and finding community.

When journaling about the reasons why I might feel less desired by women, I realized that one factor is lack of access.

The most obvious reason for that is that lesbian and bi women are a minority population. That’s not really the biggest issue, though…