Making Room for My Whole Self

Why I Considered Leaving Substack & How I am Staying.

Last week, I was seriously considering leaving Substack.

I joined Substack in April of this year, fresh off the heels of being cancelled from social media for sharing the stories of black de-trans lesbians. Prior to that incident, I had already been tinkering with the idea of joining the platform, since it seemed like a place that supported free speech, and one that could offer a more holistically supportive space for my writing.

After the de-platforming incident, joining Substack was a no-brainer. I wholeheartedly took the plunge, and used what social media I had left to bring my audience over here. 

Since then, my Substack has attracted dozens of subscribers. I’m still so heartened to see that there are people who are happy to pay to read and support my writing on a continual basis. Substack has been good to me. 

However, being here has brought up some fears and deeper questions…

The first, was a fear about the subscription model. I have never in my life, created Art or committed to writing on a schedule, especially not with money on the table—and the thought of growing within that model, scared the living daylights out of me. By committing to writing and growing my readership on Substack, I felt like I was getting on a hamster wheel. 

What if I run out of ideas? What if I need a break?! Ahhhhh!! 

My little paws scurried away from being swallowed by capitalism. 

To take the pressure off, I thought about just turning all of my long-form content into ebooks that can be created and sold individually, rather than through a subscription model. I also thought about creating a new Instagram account, and transferring all of my Substack followers to a free newsletter subscription through Mailchimp, where I can share weekly updates there. Phew! And then, it dawned on me: 

What if I get cancelled from Mailchimp? 😹

So, a couple of things happened that drew me back to Substack. 

The first, is that I realized that I do want to build, nurture, and cultivate a stronger readership and following. That process is ultimately going to require me to show up on a regular basis, to create and share my gifts with the world. 

If I want truly to grow my online presence as an Artist, and cultivate my Art into a resource that holistically supports and nourishes me, I have to tend to my garden and find the balance. Regardless of the platform and medium i choose, I will need to commit to the process. 

When I realized this, those scarcity-driven fears of not finding inspiration or being able to carve out time melted away. I am highly intentional about centering Art and Writing in my life, and I trust that I will be able to find a way. 

I was also reminded of all the tools and features I love about Substack, including the fact that I can pause paid subscriptions so that my supporters aren’t charged if I intentionally choose to take a long break from writing here. I also love its stance on censorship-which welcomes my free speech, and my artistic nudes—the latter of which I have plenty of, and which I have previously connected to my writings. 

I feel safe writing and creating here. Having space to express myself without fear of censorship is incredibly valuable to me. I cannot say that I feel that sense of safety on Instagram, Youtube, or any major corporate platform, even if I will eventually implement those tools as funnels to drive traffic to my Substack. 

As an Artist, Writer, and Storyteller, I have no product to offer, other than the synthesis of my mind and heart. Since that cancellation, I am very mindful that any slip of the tongue or unconventional thought form can rip my entire platform down forever, which is what initially drove me to develop email-based ways to communicate with my audience. I need to invest my energy into such platforms thoughtfully, in a way that divests into spaces that offer more freedom and security for my work. 

I do not take the freedom I feel on Substack for granted. Anything can change, but I do appreciate it for what it offers me at this stage of my journey. 

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Ironically, the other issue that came up for me, was about my resistance to being pigeonholed within my own ‘controversial’ content…

I realize that my Substack has primarily been devoted to writing about topics that are related to queer/trans ideology—whether its giving my personal take on a controversial matter, or sharing a lived experience that references my views. 

Over the past year that I have been outspoken about these issues on Instagram, I’ve noticed that there are many people (mostly white women tbh) who have subscribed to me, with the exclusive purpose of reading and receiving my thoughts on this topic.

While I have appreciated the support I’ve received for speaking out, this particular shift hasn’t sat right with me. 

In fact, there was a time last summer that I went on a rant in my Instagram stories, about how I only receive engagement when I share hot takes related to trans ideology—whereas some of my more artistic or personal posts received crickets. 

I am more than just a mouthpiece for ‘gender-critical’ feminism. 

Yes, I do have the perspectives I have. I can speak from an educated place about gender ideology, because I have taken the time to learn about it and process my own experiences over the course of many years.

I have stuck my neck out there, to speak up for what I believe in, because it was the right thing to do, and because it was my truth and the truth. I care about this issue, alongside other women’s issues, because I see how deeply they affect me and my community in regards to our holistic health, self-love, unity, and vitality. 

But, I do not want gender ideology to engulf and define my entire creative platform. 

N3VLYNNN is my Artist platform. It’s a space for me to express myself creatively and as a human being. It’s an outlet for me to share my authentic expression, through dance, writing, and visual art. It is my unique brand as an Artist. 

I recognize that I need to be intentional about how I define and cultivate my platform. It’s really up to me, to carve out a unique space for myself, and attract the type of audience that resonates with my holistic voice—not just one part, but the entire tapestry of what I have to offer. 

So, going back to my initial comment on leaving Substack: I had thought about leaving, because I associated my presence on Substack with writing gender-critical content. I felt like if I wanted to write about other things, it would not be welcome here, and that is not true. I can make this publication into anything I want. 

Here are some key ideas for the vision and variety of content I’d like to share on my Substack, moving forward:

• Musings and deep truths on my personal healing journey. How I cultivate self-love and self-worth, healthy relationships, and holistic wellness. 

• Reflections on my journey as an Artist and Dancer, how I carve out my own lane and honor my authenticity (like this!)

• Feelings. 

• Thoughtful Reflections and my personal experiences in navigating gender/trans ideology and cancel culture. 

• Expanding upon & sharing the public work & stories of Black women with gender critical perspectives (eg. black detransitioned women, Artists, outspoken women)

• Excerpts from short stories and memoirs I’ve published as books. 

• Work-in-progress excerpts from books I’m writing, or sneak-peaks of upcoming multimedia projects. 

• New Video Blogs that I’d like to share here, including content that may not be safe for youtube.

• Written responses to select youtube videos that I created in the early 2000s and beyond. (I’m still so pleasantly surprised, honored and grateful that so many people who follow me, initially found me on youtube many years ago!)

• Notes - opportunities for readers to engage with me and my work, beyond leaving comments on my posts. 

I’d like to publish here on a weekly-ish basis. As per usual, some of my content will be free, and some will only be for paid subscribers. I tend to sort that out on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes, I intend to write a couple of paragraphs, and it ends up being 20 pages. That’s how my memoir was born! 

I also do plan to include a few of my Substack articles within an anthology that can be purchased on my website-but that is a project I can’t say too much about right now. ;-) My creative work is a very intimate process!

Do you have any ideas for what you’d like to see me write and share about? Any thoughts on what I’ve shared here? Please feel free to leave a comment below. 

I am open to inspiration, and I’d love to hear from you. 

Thank you for being here. 

💛