It's Impossible to Love Someone Who You Don't Fully Respect.

Last week, I wrote about a series of disappointing realizations which led me to understand that a woman who had been calling herself my friend, was taking advantage of me in my time of need.

At the time I published that article, I hadn’t yet spoken to her about it. I had called her that morning to discuss what I had been feeling, but she didn’t call me back until 3 days later. By that time, I had already checked out of our relationship. 

However, I still needed to tell her that I am no longer moving forward with our planned living arrangement, and I felt called to tell her why—but I didn’t want to have a conversation with her about it, because there was nothing left to discuss.

In a normal relationship, you talk things out. But this was not that. I simply didn’t feel that she deserved anymore of my emotional energy.

So I did something that I don’t usually do: I sent her a long text, explaining—rather precisely—why her proposed living arrangement was not equitable, how her request for physical labor on top of split-rent is absurd, and how uncomfortable I felt with her sexual advances. 

I told her that a real friend who loves me, with her amount of resource, would’ve taken me in for free—or at least created an equitable arrangement that is designed to burden me the least. 

“It’s crazy that you pay so much lip service to ending white supremacy when your actions are so deeply rooted in reinforcing that legacy,” I said. 

Then, I blocked her. 

I didn’t need a response from her to gain closure. I didn’t want to hear her disagreeing, or struggling to understand. I didn’t even want an apology. I just wanted her to leave me alone, forever. 

What I should have done, is block her from all of my devices, but I only blocked her from that one phone line. That is because I thought she would respect my wish to not have any further communication, but I was wrong. 

What she proceeded to do instead, was text my other phone—where she dumped a very short, weak response that absolutely infuriated me: 

“Wow that’s a lot. As for the labor, I really needed the help. I didn’t think I was asking for too much. I was trying to help you as a friend. The last time I helped out a friend they offered all of the things that I am asking of you so I am a little confused….

I also came to the conclusion that it wasn’t fair to myself for me to live with you given how I have feelings for you and to be around someone who isn’t open to that.”

…

…

Feelings?

You tried to turn me into your House Nigger. 

And you are standing ten-toes down in your lack of awareness. 

No, you don’t have feelings for me. You are incapable of feeling anything real for me. 

Your “feelings” for me are merely projections and white liberal fantasies. 

Get Real. 

I didn’t know whether I was more disgusted by her lack of critical thinking skills, her latent racism manifested in the form of willful ignorance, or her self-centered feelings. 

But I was so grateful to have released myself from that situation before it left me in the cold. 

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My ability to discern whether a situation is fair, to set boundaries, and command what I’m worth—is a life skill that I’ve had to learn and practice. 

And yes, it’s a product of my commitment to self-love—which this woman definitely struggles with—but I also recognize that she probably hasn’t had to use that muscle as rigorously as I have, which contributes to her confusion over my thought process.

The truth is that when you occupy a position of privilege, you don’t need to think critically, because your wellbeing and survival doesn’t depend on it. 

Mine does.

.

I wish I had never seen that text. 

But it got me thinking about other situations where people have claimed to love me when they clearly did not. 

When I was 14, I dated a young adult man who was several years older than me. One day, he told me over the phone, “I love you.”

“No you don’t,” I said.  

He was utterly shocked. I am sure he expected me, a young teenage girl, to fawn and tear up over his proclamation of love, and tell him that I love him too. 

But we did not love each other. We were in a transactional relationship, where he was using my body for his own pleasure. I was with him because I wanted to try what I had been seeing in music videos and lose my virginity.

He was taking advantage of my youth, my lack of awareness of my own female anatomy, and my ignorance of what I deserved in a relationship. 

Maybe he thought he loved me, and that is why he was so butt-hurt about my telling him that he doesn’t. Or maybe his ego was bruised over the lost opportunity to further manipulate me through romance.

But I knew that whatever it was that we were sharing, it wasn’t love. I wasn’t even angry with him when I said it—it was just a matter of fact. 

When you’re in a position of power and privilege, it’s easy to get carried away with your vision of a relationship without considering the other party’s perspective. Your ignorance will always come at the other party’s cost. 

We live in a world where we are taught that certain living beings are not worthy of our respect, and there are systems in place that reinforce that. 

It’s impossible to love someone when you don’t see their full humanity. 

Even people who mean well don’t know how they may be hurting or reinforcing oppressive power dynamics with someone they claim to care about. But their lack of awareness doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t make it love. 

It just makes them ignorant.