I Don't Have Time to Handhold and Teach ABCs

My Friendship is Not a Charity Pot.

You want to know what inspired me to write about friendship? 

I realized that I don’t have the bandwidth to be friends with someone who is “on the fence” about women’s rights and gender ideology.

This weekend, I was sitting with an acquaintance of mine and I noticed the way her face changed when I told her a story about a woman I briefly dated a few years ago, who literally had a meltdown when I spoke about a very large, very masculine black man who identified as a woman, and demanded to be referred to with she/her pronouns-someone who sexually assaulted my female friend in 2012.

The “ex” I told this story to, was sitting there sobbing her eyes out because I used he/him pronouns to refer to some anonymous sex offender—yet she never once shed a tear about my brother, whose tragic death I was grieving at the time! She never once shed a tear for my friend who got attacked!!

The brainwashing is too real. ✌🏾

I wrote about this story at the very end of my memoir, after several drafts, because I never realized until one sleepless night at 4am, how much it had me heated.

Fast forward to the present…all my acquaintance said was, “I’m sure it brought up a lot for her.”

WHY is it that whenever I tell this story to certain women, they never seem to mention my friend who was assaulted?

It was the second time I watched her face change as I spoke freely and boldly on the matter, and it will be the last.

Look-if you ain’t wittit, I understand. If you don’t know how to feel, I understand. If you’re concerned about who you can and can’t introduce me to, I understand.

But get that shit out my face.

It takes a lot for me to be who I am and to be outspoken, and it affects little and big things in my life. I live in the wokest, whitest town ever and it is not easy for me to navigate here, although I do so with grace, and am friendly, and make it look easy!! 

People here think its so nice to talk to me and have the pleasure of engaging with such an intelligent, well-rounded black woman in the convenience of such a nice little white bubble, without having to move out of their comfort zone to engage with actual diverse communities. They have no idea what it takes for me to maintain here, and hold my head high.

I don’t have space to handhold and explain to ANYONE, especially white folks, but really anyone…why this shit is so fucked up, and why my voice matters. I don’t have TIME to sit with people who look worried and afraid when I speak boldly. 

And yes…this shit is the epitome of whiteness, amongst other things. Being around white people who do gender nonsense is just doubly white! And whiteness is suffocating and exhausting. So when its flagrantly thrown in my face as if it’s nothing, I’m allowed to resist, and I’m allowed to walk away. But, I will NOT shrink myself to make others comfortable.

Braving this world is challenging enough, and my intimate life is meant to be a haven. I realize that, even folks who don’t outright ‘cancel’ me are not worth my time, if they are not clear in this set of values, amongst other principles I live by.

That’s okay! Everyone is on their own journey…but my energy and friendship is not a charity pot, and it’s not my job to teach everyone the ABCs, just because they’re superficially “nice” to me and throw me a bone.

I was not born to lick scraps off the fucking ground! 

The reason why I relate everything to self-love is because that’s often what it comes down to. It’s all connected. Women who are true to themselves will be able to support other women who are committed to authenticity. Women who don’t love themselves are not going to be in a place to holistically support a woman who does. 

I literally risk so much to be who I am and I deserve support too! REAL support from people who are clear like me, who stand strong like me, and who love me for who I am without side-eyeing my unconventional, bold, and brazen parts.

I deserve safe spaces too.