How I Heal my Deep & Chronic Loneliness
Building wellness & community from scratch.
Not every plant thrives in every environment. Some plants need more shade, others thrive in full sun. Some plants need more water, some need less. Certain plants only bed well with certain other plants. Two plants that work well together as companions, will not only flourish, but also deter pests, and attract beneficial insects. When a plant is rooted next to an incompatible plant, it stunts their growth.
Figure out what kind of plant you are, and commit to giving yourself the care that you uniquely need to grow, and flourish.
Loneliness has been a theme in my mental health journey, for a long time. I remember the first time when I openly articulated that I was lonely.
It was in 2015. I had moved back to live with my family in my small hometown, ripped away from my diverse, creative life in New York City, so that I could afford to keep a roof over my head. I had been through a lot of trauma within the year prior to that—leaving an abusive relationship, taking on sex work to pay the bills, joining a sexual wellness community that was later outed in the media as a modern cult, and getting an abortion to extract the seed of someone I’d met in that community.
I had also experienced a lot of good things: my film had taken off and had offered entree to several exciting, paid travel opportunities. In embracing self-employment, I had plenty of time and energy to explore new creative Arts, like animation, pole dance, and writing. Through it all, I never had anyone to process all of this with. I probably didn’t even know the depths of what I needed to process.
Sure, I wrote blogs, shared my raw and honest truths, and I had a readership. Sure, people came and went in my life—I had many wonderful acquaintances who I called friends, who offered support from time to time. But, one heavy weight was stacking on top of the other in my heart, without any solid support system to hold space for it all. I was crumbling.
So, in the summer of 2015, 8 years ago today, I created a YouTube video that was titled: I Want a Real Friend (((Indigo Loneliness))). It was such a beautiful, brilliant, and vulnerably heartfelt share. I have so much deep admiration for myself in re-watching that video now, in shining my light, now knowing how much pain I was in, how much more of that pain I was going to endure in the future, and how heavy my heart was.
That heavy-heartedness continued for years. Sadness would catch me and sit heavy on my heart, suffocating me into a mellow depression. The deep isolation I felt, were like walls closing in on me, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out where it came from, or how to alleviate it. Sometimes it would dance away, especially during phases of life when I would have companionship in some form or another. But it would always come back when those relationships dissolved or faded into the background, leaving me with the raw materials of my life.
I want to be clear: I am comfortable in my solitude. When conversations about loneliness come up, many people default to talking about whether or not they are “happy” being alone, or whether they’re cool hanging out by themselves. Some people flippantly wave the concept of loneliness away, bragging about their “introverted” nature, and how they “love” being alone. While yes, many people do need to work on finding joy in doing more basic activities by themselves, such as going out to restaurants, or practicing solo self-care, I find that to be a superficial way of viewing the impact that loneliness and isolation can have on someone’s life.
Loneliness is not all about being alone. One can be married, have family, have people whom they call friends, never eat dinner or attend an event alone—and still be deeply and profoundly lonely. Loneliness is so much deeper than whether or not you are alone. And yet, there are those of us who do find themselves alone, and lonely.
Due to how I have moved around and traveled throughout most of my life, I have never had the luxury of a lifelong friendship or a solid community. This has come with its own challenges, but it’s also fostered a sense of independence and confidence in myself to be able enjoy the fruits of life, whether or not I have a companion with me. I always used to look at people funny when, I would tell them I’m moving across the country or across the world, and they would ask if I knew anyone there.
The possibility of having friends in whichever faraway place I was headed was often a foreign luxury to me, and I felt that dictating my movement based on where I already ‘had people’ was the epitome of living small.
However, I have learned that community is incredibly important, and we all must position ourselves to have it, in order to survive and thrive in this life. We should not all be expected to be “happy” alone all the time. We can’t be. Human nature, on a primal level, is to be in relationship with others.
We can embrace the vulnerability that comes with needing human connection for our fulfillment, while still having a solid relationship with ourselves.
Within the past few months, the weight of loneliness has begun to lift off of my heart, in a way that feels deep and lasting. I know this release is because of the work I’ve been doing within, and how I’ve been choosing to care for myself. I have become a lifelong student, an expert, and a healing practitioner of my own loneliness.
My life circumstances haven’t changed dramatically—it is a gradual shift. I am still working through the same challenges in my home life, and I still do not have any close friends. This is key for me, because, for a long time, I thought I needed a close friend to lift the burden of loneliness.
But, it’s not like you can just go out and find a true friend or partner, in the way you can go out and buy a loaf of bread. Bumble would have you think otherwise, but the truth is that these relationships are offered in divine timing and alignment, which is not solely within our control.
Desiring connection and relief from the survival mode of isolation, I have previously found myself opening up to people too easily, and getting burned or feeling unfulfilled by those relationships, which further reinforced my loneliness.
The catch-22 for me was when I realized that I needed to be well within myself in order to be emotionally available for the kind of person who would be emotionally available for me in any solid and sustainable way.
Oop!!!
When I realized, I would need to be right within myself, to be able to consciously select my friendships, community, and romantic relationships, in the spirit of honoring myself, rather than in desperation—when I realized I needed to plant the seeds of a good friendship in healthy soil—when I needed to ensure that my palette was clear from low-reward connections, in order to make room for what is aligned and right for me…
When I realized, that I need this medicine right here, right now, for my own survival…
That’s when I realized I needed to have a core foundation in healing my loneliness, and finding ways to support my social and emotional wellbeing, even when those relationships have yet to come into my life.
What I am sharing here about healing loneliness reaches deep into the root of it, an offering of how to care for yourself when you are still building from scratch, how to discover and excavate the root of your loneliness and deep sadness, so that you can open yourself up to relationships that are strong, supportive, and fortifying. What I share here is based on my own process, several in-depth journal entries, and what I currently practice that is nurturing me in my own life.
You might want to sit down with a cup of tea for this, because we’re going deeeep.