For most of my adult life, I have been celibate. But I definitely didn’t start out this way.
In my late teens-early 20s, I was more open to dating and hence, more sexually active.
However, as I have healed and matured--the pool of individuals who I am attracted to (that I would seriously consider laying down with) has drastically diminished.
This depth of attraction I feel is entirely based on chemistry. And being the rare bird I am, chemistry does not come cheap.
I also don’t believe in “dating” in the sense of trying on random people like a pair of shoes in a store; I actually find casual dating to be rather reckless behavior.
I need to feel a special connection. There needs to be a touch of kismet...
So, it has been easy for me to go years at a time, abstaining from sex with zero temptation.
But the day I would meet someone who I felt that chemistry with—it was a wrap.
We’d just slide right on into bed, and right into a relationship within 24 hours, and it would feel like the most natural thing that ever happened to us.
We’d devour each other.
Not out of desperation, but in the heat of raw passion and desire.
I’ve learned the hard way that...that shit doesn’t work. It’s not romantic, it’s not cute. Most importantly, it’s emotionally irresponsible.
And in the end—it’s not even as sexually fulfilling as it could be…because we hadn’t built enough trust and intimacy to truly blossom.
However, it is pure. The feelings we have for each other—the beauty we see within each other is very real.
But I’ve learned that just because we share a genuine connection...does not mean that we’re fit to be together.
Feelings, chemistry, and even love—is not enough to make a relationship work. And, it is no longer enough to make me lay down with someone.
Even if we are soul mates—the reality is that we do not exist in an ethereal realm.
We are creatures, existing on Earth, in a broken system.
We walk journeys. We carry baggage. We have life trajectories. We have daily habits.
These are elements that must be carefully discerned before investing emotional and sexual energy into another person.
And so, over the past few years, I’ve been meditating on the concept of compatibility.
I like think of compatibility as the nuts and bolts (yang), balancing the chemistry (yin). Both are necessary.
Of course, there are no rules for having a relationship. Anyone can settle for whatever falls into their lap, whether its good for them or not.
Anyone can get into a relationship, without regard for whether it is a wise or empowering decision.
But this is a conversation about quality.
I believe that relationships require a foundational level of holistic health on each individual’s part, and deep alignment in order to function as a sustainable, mutually empowering union.
And this brings me to my celibacy journey…
I’ve been celibate for 2.5 years now, by choice. And I have been single for almost 5 years.
I’d like to share the intention behind my celibacy, and my recent realization—that it may be best for me to remain single and celibate for several more years, in order to lay the foundation for the life (and relationship) I truly desire and deserve.
Ironically, this understanding has been reinforced through a recent romantic connection that was very…arousing. I’d like to share the wisdom I gleaned from that experience, and how I intend to explore my sexuality in a way that feels healthy and grounded through celibacy.