Great piece. Same here - fair mum, dark skinned dad. It’s so tangly. On the one hand, darker skinned people are seen as inferior, more disposable, “other”, less power. So on the face of it, a woman who has less power in a heterosexual relationship could presume to have slightly more power paired with a darker skinned man, a bit more influence maybe. I’ve seen that work great where it’s a white woman wjth a non-European dark skinned man (eg Aussie lady married to Nepali guy); the guys seem to actually treat those women better.
But it doesn’t work in the same culture - my parents are both Indian, mum as white as a banshee, dark dad; he still runs the show. Gender has more salience than colour *within* cultures and I suppose sometimes even *between* cultures if Kerala Goodkin’s story is anything to go by.
And on the other hand, having been with a white guy myself as a dark skinned lady, there’s all these other stereotypes - “he couldn’t do any better so he bought an exotic Asian lady” and “she is a gold digger, she did well scoring a white guy!”
I agree skin colour preferences are not an accident and it’s good of you to point that out. Really important to be conscious of that
Thank you, and yes! I totally hear you on these power dynamics that exist depending on the race and gender of the dark skinned person.
I think in white women / dark man relationships, it's especially tangly because men still have more physical power and then class can also complicate things too. One noteworthy case was with O.J. Simpson, who got away with murdering his pretty blonde wife. However, in many cases the white woman will have more access to institutional power if that makes sense.
And you're right, it does not work within the same culture.
At this point, whenever I see a very dark-skinned woman whether she is black, Asian, Indigenous, etc. I KNOW she is likely going to be partnered with a white man, if she dates men at all.
It's crazy how I've grown to make that association, and I am right about 90%+ of the time. For women who are considered ugly or too ethnic amongst her own people, a white man will most definitely find her beautiful and snatch her up QUICK.
The stereotype about dark women getting the "throwaway" white men is antiquated at this point. White men of all backgrounds will date and marry dark women. There is a strong relationship between exoticism and dark-skinned women / white men relations.
Ohhh interesting I didn’t know it’s more likely to see a very dark skinned woman (black, Asian, indigenous) with a white dude…I don’t see that much where I live but fascinating to know it’s like that over in US!!
You know, the other thing it makes me wonder (based on my own previous abusive relationship with a guy who mostly dated exotic women because he “never felt good enough to date his own race” urghhhhh) is that maybe as feminism has gotten stronger, a lot of white woman just don’t take shit from white men anymore so maybe white guys like my ex think it’s better to date brown girls as we can be controlled more easily, will be more obedient, subservient, feel like we are just lucky to have the Prince Charming etc - I know I was!
I'm really sorry to hear you had that experience. White men date brown women for all kinds of reasons, including the one you mentioned.
But also, a lot of black men date white women because they believe they're more subservient than black women. I think it is just a matter of men preying on vulnerable women, period.
The racialized stuff is sort of like another layer that can influence who is vulnerable in a power dynamic, or who is perceived that way.
Great piece. Same here - fair mum, dark skinned dad. It’s so tangly. On the one hand, darker skinned people are seen as inferior, more disposable, “other”, less power. So on the face of it, a woman who has less power in a heterosexual relationship could presume to have slightly more power paired with a darker skinned man, a bit more influence maybe. I’ve seen that work great where it’s a white woman wjth a non-European dark skinned man (eg Aussie lady married to Nepali guy); the guys seem to actually treat those women better.
But it doesn’t work in the same culture - my parents are both Indian, mum as white as a banshee, dark dad; he still runs the show. Gender has more salience than colour *within* cultures and I suppose sometimes even *between* cultures if Kerala Goodkin’s story is anything to go by.
And on the other hand, having been with a white guy myself as a dark skinned lady, there’s all these other stereotypes - “he couldn’t do any better so he bought an exotic Asian lady” and “she is a gold digger, she did well scoring a white guy!”
I agree skin colour preferences are not an accident and it’s good of you to point that out. Really important to be conscious of that
Thank you, and yes! I totally hear you on these power dynamics that exist depending on the race and gender of the dark skinned person.
I think in white women / dark man relationships, it's especially tangly because men still have more physical power and then class can also complicate things too. One noteworthy case was with O.J. Simpson, who got away with murdering his pretty blonde wife. However, in many cases the white woman will have more access to institutional power if that makes sense.
And you're right, it does not work within the same culture.
At this point, whenever I see a very dark-skinned woman whether she is black, Asian, Indigenous, etc. I KNOW she is likely going to be partnered with a white man, if she dates men at all.
It's crazy how I've grown to make that association, and I am right about 90%+ of the time. For women who are considered ugly or too ethnic amongst her own people, a white man will most definitely find her beautiful and snatch her up QUICK.
The stereotype about dark women getting the "throwaway" white men is antiquated at this point. White men of all backgrounds will date and marry dark women. There is a strong relationship between exoticism and dark-skinned women / white men relations.
Ohhh interesting I didn’t know it’s more likely to see a very dark skinned woman (black, Asian, indigenous) with a white dude…I don’t see that much where I live but fascinating to know it’s like that over in US!!
You know, the other thing it makes me wonder (based on my own previous abusive relationship with a guy who mostly dated exotic women because he “never felt good enough to date his own race” urghhhhh) is that maybe as feminism has gotten stronger, a lot of white woman just don’t take shit from white men anymore so maybe white guys like my ex think it’s better to date brown girls as we can be controlled more easily, will be more obedient, subservient, feel like we are just lucky to have the Prince Charming etc - I know I was!
I'm really sorry to hear you had that experience. White men date brown women for all kinds of reasons, including the one you mentioned.
But also, a lot of black men date white women because they believe they're more subservient than black women. I think it is just a matter of men preying on vulnerable women, period.
The racialized stuff is sort of like another layer that can influence who is vulnerable in a power dynamic, or who is perceived that way.