Are Lesbian Relationships Unnatural?
I’ll never forget the day this summer when I saw a video of Candace Owen’s discussion with Brandon Tatum, called “Is Homosexuality Ruining Western Civilization?”
At some point during the discussion, Candace boldly exclaimed:
“If you look at a gay relationship, there is always one masculine one, and one feminine one. They’re even acknowledging natural order, in their unnatural relationships!”
I must have paused the video—or ran it back to replay that part one more time. I don’t remember. All I know is, those words stayed with me—and not in a good way.
I immediately thought about all the ways in which I enjoy female masculinity, and how complete it feels to me. I thought about how much I cherish the unique dynamics of being the more feminine counterpart in a relationship with a woman.
I thought about all the aspects of who I am—including how I’ve devoted myself to a lifestyle that respects and reveres nature, including the things I consume, how I spend time with Mother Earth, and how I endeavor to align with my true self, without any masks, enhancements, or facades.
It was one of those moments where I thought, “Oh. That’s how you feel about me.”
Hearing those words come out of Candace’s mouth was unexpected. I knew she was a conservative Christian, and there was a lot within that video that didn’t sit right with me…but I didn’t know it was that deep. I wasn’t an avid follower of Candace, but as far as I knew, she had always claimed to support gay people.
It’s funny because I actually do believe that people can have unnatural sexual desires. BDSM, fetish, and kink are prime examples. I think these things are mostly the result of trauma, social conditionings, and perverse cultural influences, such as porn.
Some people might consider me to be conservative, or ‘vanilla’ for holding that view…but the difference for me is that I didn’t copy-paste my ideas from conservativism or religion. I came to that conclusion through healing and processing my own lived experience with those things.
So when my same-sex attraction and desire for ✨deep soulful lovemaking✨ with a woman got lumped in as a more extreme, degraded aspect of our culture—alongside these dark elements that I have no desire to bring into my intimate space—it didn’t feel great.
In that moment, I felt hurt, and somewhat ashamed or unsure of myself.
…
Maybe Candace’s statement was just the cherry on top of an undercurrent of insecurity that had been building for a long time—after a whole summer of attempting to find a substantial black Sapphic community, and discovering that each and every one of the spaces advertised as “for us, by us” was filled to the brim with drugs, alcohol, and gender ideology.
Or maybe it’s the fact that I often see visibly gay women—but I don’t know if these women are actually gay, or if they’re just presenting themselves as dykes to follow a fashion trend, or because they’re hiding their trauma behind a facade of queerness.
Or maybe it’s because I haven’t had any examples of healthy, sustainable lesbian relationships that I can actually trust. You know—more than just cute couple photos on the ‘gram and #blessed. More than just the superficial value of seeing two people who have been together for a really long time, without it necessarily having been a high-quality partnership…
But really, the kind where I know and trust that the two women involved are healthy, stable, loving, and making love, in the way I envision for myself.
On the contrary, all I had seen up close, as far as lesbian relationships…was brokenness. That includes patterns found within my own past relationships—which I have been consciously healing.
My vision for the ideal partnership only existed as a figment of my imagination. Which didn’t make it any less valid or real...
But, given the circumstances, not having any tangible, real life examples of healthy, lasting lesbian relationships or community—made it more challenging to withstand society’s messaging around lesbian relationships being nothing more than 2nd rate imitations of heterosexual relationships: Frivolous, fringe connections that pale in comparison to the “proper balance” (literally quoting someone who told me this) found between a man and woman.
There were other, more personalized messages, too. Like earlier this year, when an acquaintance nervously admitted to me, with her greatest sympathies, that she thought I was going to hell for my “lesbian lifestyle”—whatever that means. She also thought she was going to hell, for reasons unbeknownst to me. So, I didn’t take it too personally. I mostly just felt sorry for her.
At the time, I was staying at her house as I traveled through her city, and it was my last night there. I had already made us a fine dinner and fancy cake as a parting gift, but she was totally consumed with work.
So I told her that she should take a break from work so that we can enjoy dessert, because we only have but so much time before we go to hell!
She didn’t handle that very well…
These experiences may have shaped my journey, but ultimately, none of them are what prompted me to write this piece.
My tipping point was actually a deep conversation I had while catching up with an old friend, very recently. She shared her perspective on the nature of female sexuality and motherhood—and how her prior experience in a lesbian marriage has shaped her understanding of what is natural and what isn’t.
I had very mixed feelings about our conversation, for several reasons....But, it got me thinking super deeply.
I’d like to unpack some of the themes that came up in our conversation, and share my nuanced, honest, and in-depth understanding of nature, as it pertains to female/lesbian sexuality, and where I personally sit within myself, around all of this.
Just as a heads up—this piece is long, and I didn’t hold anything back. This writing includes frank discussions around abuse, some personal anecdotes, scientific discoveries, musings on transhumanism, controversial opinions, pleasure principles, and more butch yearnings.