Being "They/Them'd" by White Folks is Extremely Othering

Self-Portrait. Berlin, 2020.

You see, most white people have to wear blue hair, shape it into a little Emo Bob, and wear Doc Martens to be tagged as a “they”.

But Just Me, in my natural form, as a black woman, is enough for some people to assess that I am They; that I am Other.

Originally written on Sep. 11 2023. I meditated on this piece before sharing.

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I’ve been back in my woke, white liberal New England hometown for two weeks. And just as I suspected, I’m being they/them’d left and right. People are so happy to do it, too! Ah, Yes. Nevline. They’re back in town. I’m so happy to have run into them!

I wrote a post a few months ago about my experience of being they/them’d in my hometown, where I shared that it happens so much to me, I try to ignore it. 

After being around poor and working class black folks for two months in Philly, I had the opportunity to detox from this environment, and (mostly) surround myself with people who were used to seeing women who looked like me, and who also were not invested in pretending that I’m not a woman. 

It was only then that I realized how much being called ‘they’ affected my self-perception, my feeling of place and belonging, and how deeply racialized it is. 

I could sense people genuinely thought they were doing a good thing by they’ing me, so I brushed it off. I’m not interested in correcting everyone. I desensitized myself to it, so it didn’t bother me as much. But now it does, and I’m going to tell you why. 

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Referring to me with they/them pronouns assumes a lot. 

For one, it assumes I even know what you’re talking about. 

Most black and brown people still have yet to have their communities colonized with this sort of “proper-speak”, and are still speaking regular English, or a pidgin version of it. If you step to the average person in any part of the ethnically diverse English-speaking world, repeatedly using ‘they’ pronouns to refer to individual people will have you met with confused looks. 

The only reason why I even understand what people mean when they use they is because I’ve been casually lambasted with this language, and forced to get up to speed with all the latest terms and acronyms, after years of living in predominantly white communities, and diverse communities that intermingle with elite whites. 

I understand the all the gender code, and so much of the academic language, because I have had so much contact with whiteness, because I’ve had to learn how to navigate it, and because I wanted to better understand my alienation from it.

And so, when white people so casually and politely use “queer” language in a conversation—and smile and blink as if I know exactly what they’re talking about, it truly irks me, because they completely take for granted the context I had to be in, to be able to respond-or even set a boundary-without missing a beat.

They think they’re being inclusive, by asserting that the way they speak is the right way, and expecting others to do the same. When really, they’re just perpetuating forced assimilation. 

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But the other thing that referring to me with they/them pronouns assumes—is that I identify under the trans umbrella, based on whatever visual markers that person has assessed about me. 

The Golden Rule is: When in doubt, just assume trans! Just assume, that I “identify” as something ‘other’ than what I am, and use that language as the default. It’s better than the outrageous insult of acknowledging that I’m a woman.

There. Now, everyone is happy, safe, and respected! 

As much as people would like to think that singular they/them pronouns are gender neutral, they’re not. ‘They’ is only gender neutral if you are referring to an anonymous person, whose sex is completely unknown. Somebody who could be any-body.

Otherwise, they are trans-specific pronouns. That is the standard way in which singular they/them pronouns are used in modern-day Western culture: to denote one’s relationship with trans and queer identity. 

I touched on this a bit in my prior post, but basically—people do not make the mistake of using they/them pronouns for people who they judge as being “normative”: Church ladies, Hotshot male CEO types, Soccer Moms…

People who represent what is most culturally familiar, are unquestionably assumed to fit into the box of “she” and “he”.  

If it were truly ‘just’ a gender-neutral pronoun, then everybody would use it for everybody.

But that’s not how it works.

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You see, most white people have to wear blue hair, shape it into a little Emo Bob, and wear Doc Martens to be tagged as a “they”. Otherwise, they’re read as normies. They view their natural form as the default norm for humanity.

Those who are not outwardly unique or naturally nonconforming, and who fetishize being othered…attempt to manufacture those qualities. 

But Just Me, in my natural form, as a black woman, is enough for some people to assess that I am They; that I am Other. They certainly don’t see me as normal, so it is not safe to assume that I see myself any differently.

So in order to make our social interaction safe and inclusive for me (which really has nothing to do with my comfort or safety)…they refer to me as they. They trans me. 

And then they claim to do it so that ‘everyone can feel safe’. 

I’ve seen someone suggest that they/them’ing me is ‘misgendering’ me, and it is not.

It is someone projecting their cultish religious beliefs onto me, passive-aggressively coaxing me into their rituals, and reinforcing a societal power dynamic whereby there are real economic, safety, and social consequences if I refuse to participate.

It is also re-categorizing me without my consent into some pompous, neocolonial social class that was concocted by elite white men within the past several years.

That’s the source of the insult; not someone misgendering me. And certainly not someone failing to “ask” my pronouns and gender identity-which I actually find to be extremely invasive and unnecessary.

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I get they/them’d by black folks too, though much less often. When it does happen, I also don’t like it, for different reasons. Black Americans have gendered language etched into ebonics (hey girrrl!) so it takes a lot more effort for us to do away with those things, and it’s only a minority of us who have taken on such a useless task.

But it hits different when it comes from white folks, because I’m already the ‘other’ in white spaces, no matter how I’m treated. 

So when white folks take it one step further to re-classify me without my consent under a new term that their community made up—a term that has denotes difference, and has no reference to the human categories of male or female, it feels…politely dehumanizing. 

At the same time, I don’t take it personal, because I understand it. But I also do take it personal because they are doing harm, and I feel the impact of it. 

In an effort to to practice self-care and not internalize this harmful ideology—I have to set boundaries with people who use it.

I try not to judge, and to instead-use discernment. I do understand that people referencing others people as they/them doesn’t necessarily mean they agree with the practice.

Some people have not learned to set boundaries, or don’t fully understand the meaning of what they’re parroting, or are just trying not get chewed out by the woke police, when confronted by people who have consciously chosen to use neo-pronouns. 

But someone going as far as to start calling me ‘they’ just off the strength of seeing me, is next level. 

Either way, once I see someone using they/them pronouns for anybody, it’s a red flag.

For set of words that claims so be so inclusive, it begs the question of who is doing the including.