For most of my adult life, I have been celibate. But I definitely didn’t start out this way.

In my late teens-early 20s, I was more open to dating and hence, more sexually active.

However, as I have healed and matured--the pool of individuals who I am attracted to (that I would seriously consider laying down with) has drastically diminished.

This depth of attraction I feel is entirely based on chemistry. And being the rare bird I am, chemistry does not come cheap.

I also don’t believe in “dating” in the sense of trying on random people like a pair of shoes in a store; I actually find casual dating to be rather reckless behavior.

I need to feel a special connection. There needs to be a touch of kismet...

So, it has been easy for me to go years at a time, abstaining from sex with zero temptation.

But the day I would meet someone who I felt that chemistry with—it was a wrap.

We’d just slide right on into bed, and right into a relationship within 24 hours, and it would feel like the most natural thing that ever happened to us.

We’d devour each other.

Not out of desperation, but in the heat of raw passion and desire.

I’ve learned the hard way that...that shit doesn’t work. It’s not romantic, it’s not cute. Most importantly, it’s emotionally irresponsible.

And in the end—it’s not even as sexually fulfilling as it could be…because we hadn’t built enough trust and intimacy to truly blossom.

However, it is pure. The feelings we have for each other—the beauty we see within each other is very real.

But I’ve learned that just because we share a genuine connection...does not mean that we’re fit to be together.

Feelings, chemistry, and even love—is not enough to make a relationship work. And, it is no longer enough to make me lay down with someone.

Even if we are soul mates—the reality is that we do not exist in an ethereal realm.

We are creatures, existing on Earth, in a broken system.

We walk journeys. We carry baggage. We have life trajectories. We have daily habits.

These are elements that must be carefully discerned before investing emotional and sexual energy into another person.

And so, over the past few years, I’ve been meditating on the concept of compatibility.

I like think of compatibility as the nuts and bolts (yang), balancing the chemistry (yin). Both are necessary.

Of course, there are no rules for having a relationship. Anyone can settle for whatever falls into their lap, whether its good for them or not.

Anyone can get into a relationship, without regard for whether it is a wise or empowering decision.

But this is a conversation about quality.

I believe that relationships require a foundational level of holistic health on each individual’s part, and deep alignment in order to function as a sustainable, mutually empowering union.

And this brings me to my celibacy journey…

I’ve been celibate for 2.5 years now, by choice. And I have been single for almost 5 years.

I’d like to share the intention behind my celibacy, and my recent realization—that it may be best for me to remain single and celibate for several more years, in order to lay the foundation for the life (and relationship) I truly desire and deserve.

Ironically, this understanding has been reinforced through a recent romantic connection that was very…arousing. I’d like to share the wisdom I gleaned from that experience, and how I intend to explore my sexuality in a way that feels healthy and grounded through celibacy.

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Late February has hit me like a soldier who suddenly ran out of adrenaline in a war she’s finally won.

As winter roars on its last leg, I must confess: I iz tired.

I went into winter season thinking: “I got this”.

I thought to myself, “Yeah...it’s gonna suck. Winter is always challenging. After all—it’s winter. But I’ll make it through”. And I did.

I have learned how to take care of myself through winter. Light and movement are my medicine to keep seasonal depression at bay, and I make sure to get regular doses of each daily: once at sunrise, once in the afternoon.

I eat healthfully year-round and integrate a variety of herbs into my diet, which staves off cold and sickness.

These practices have helped me thrive through winter, and I’m extremely grateful that I’ve learned to implement them.

But today, staring out my window into the eyes of yet another empty grey sky, I found myself thinking, “Never again.”

Because no matter how well I care for myself, there is something else that comes with winter that I no longer want to subject myself to. Something has shifted within me, and I am reorienting and leaning into that shift.

I know it is very popular to demonize winter, but I know better than that.

As a child, every season came with its own gifts, and I loved each season equally.

Springtime came with Easter egg hunts, rain-boots, and flowers.

Summertime with outdoor games, sunshine, and super soakers.

Fall with crunchy colorful piles of leaves to prepare and jump into like a cushy bed.

And winter…Winter came with snowball fights, sledding, ice skating, hot chocolate, and the magic of Christmas, for starters...

There was no such thing as a bad, depressing, or hard season.

Winter is part of nature, and nature is beautiful.

But my enjoyment of winter as a child didn’t happen by accident.

It happened within the containment of family and companionship. It happened through access and resources.

The things that absolutely thrilled me about winter: Sledding, Ice Skating, Snowball fights, Snow Angels, the joy of seeing my school announced on local news for closures due to weather…all of those things happened in community.

My present adult life is lived almost entirely in solitude.

And while I do enjoy my own company, I also recognize that many joys of winter are those which I would most enjoy sharing with a companion.

I cannot have a snowball fight with myself. It’s no fun doing a risky activity like sledding or ice skating all alone—and it’s painfully lonely when everyone around you is paired up with their partners and families.

I’ve made attempts to replicate the delightfulness of my early childhood in the 90’s…

This year, I looked into ice skating lessons so that I could enjoy a winter sport in community with others, but I was turned off by the fact that you have to commit to an expensive multi-week class package before knowing what you’re getting yourself into.

So there is little left to uniquely enjoy about winter.

It is just cold, dark, and heavy with no rhyme or reason.

And I can’t live like that.

My awakening happened this year, for reasons I didn’t expect…

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Someone recently asked me what it’s like for me to date within the lesbian community while holding my views on gender identity.

I told her don’t date, so I don’t have any problem.

Why create problems for myself, when I am already at peace?

I think casual dating opens you up to too many discordant energies.

This is amplified when you get on apps, meeting people who you would never cross paths with in real life.

Literally, isn’t that what an app is for? An aid to help you encounter people who would otherwise be difficult to meet in real life?

Personally, I don’t think it’s a good sign if my path is so misaligned with someone that I would never set foot in the same spaces they would.

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Now that I am finally getting back in touch with my sexuality, I realize that my libido is pretty low. At least, it’s not nearly as high as it used to be.

Part of that is because I suppressed my sexuality a great deal while I was living with my abusive family. I didn’t feel like I was in a safe or suitable place to fully explore my own body, much less have a sexual relationship with anyone else.

I was also spending an intolerable amount of time living in a sickeningly wokie-doke, white liberal town where I rarely came across anyone I was even remotely attracted to. So, this part of my body was very much placed on ice...to be defrosted and enjoyed at a much later date.

For myself—and for women in general—the most important organ in our arousal is the brain. We have to feel safe, relaxed, emotionally stimulated, and attracted in order to get fully aroused. Our imagination needs to run wild.

This is why I have had so many wet dreams where I’ve literally woken up cumming over visions that weren't even graphically sexual. Beyonce catwalking towards me in a trippy tunnel? Beyonce straddling me on a yacht? Time to bust a nut!

This is also why erotica is such a big hit with women. We love the storylines, the buildup, the tête-a-tête. That extensive sensual mindfuck is all part of building up to a long, explosive orgasm.

For me, I notice how much my libido spikes when I am in a sexual relationship. Most notably, when I’m away from my partner, I just tend to feel hornier, because my body stores those memories of the pleasure we shared together, and it becomes active in my psyche.

There are also visions of what we could share in the future that feel safe and realistic to explore. It feels easier to access arousal and orgasm, because I have so much inspiration.

So…I was thinking…maybe I can kickstart my self-pleasure journey by getting into a sexual relationship (tee hee!)

Most specifically…with a femme of a particular shape.

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Hi Everyone,

I’m excited to share that I am opening a new section of my Substack blog, specifically devoted to sharing my journey with sexual wellness, pleasure, and holistic health.

As some of you may know, I have a background in Natural Holistic Wellness and Sensual Dance, which is the basis of my Women’s Wellness platform, Haus of Isis.

I have been on a long hiatus from this work, and I plan to reignite my Youtube Channel and professional offerings in the near future. My Wellness section on Substack is like an intimate, creative offshoot of that space.

N3VLYNNN is my literary Artist platform-a space for me to share (sometimes controversial) cultural commentary, scholarship, and personal essays on a variety of topics.

I have always touched on topics of wellness and healing in my writing, because it’s a huge part of my life, and it informs my broader perspective. As such, I will continue to integrate a healing-centered worldview in all that I do.

However, this section of my Substack is intended to be a dedicated space to share my uncensored musings, practices, and wisdom along my journey of cultivating my own sexual health and general wellbeing.

As per usual, some content may be spicy and/or juicy. You’ve been forewarned!

Since this section is housed under my main N3VLYNNN publication, everyone who subscribes to my blog, automatically receives emails and/or posts from this section as well. If you are a paid subscriber, you will also have access to all paid articles published to section. Posts will be delivered as “Wellness from N3VLYNNN”.

If you do not want to receive posts on this topic, you do have the option to opt-out. All you need to do is go to your.substack.com/account to toggle settings, and you can choose what parts of my blog you’d like to subscribe to.

Thanks for all of your support! I look forward to embarking on this new leg of my journey with my readers. 🌺

In the rare moments when I’m able to visit a pole studio, I am reminded of how much I miss pole dancing. Yesterday was one of those times. A wave of grief washes over me as I recall the movements my body used to make so routinely, weaving new creative pathways as I go along. 

Pole dancing has been an immense source of power in my life. It has offered me the power of tapping into my feminine sensuality, as well as the height of my athleticism, self-governed Artistry, and discipline. 

For the 8 years that I devoted myself to the pursuit of becoming a professional Pole Artist, I fought extremely hard to nurture my craft and keep the Pole flame alive, even when so many structural barriers stood in my way. I wrote about that journey in my first memoir.  

As life has taken its turn, I have had to let go of Pole as a practice while I stabilize. I sold my pole last year, with the intention of getting a new one when I move.

In my own way, I still fight to keep the flame burning through adjacent cross-training, such as Flexibility Training, and weekly Circus classes on the Aerial Silks and other apparatus…

But none of those things hold a candle to Pole. 

To be clear, they are all in the service of Pole, but they are not a substitute.

Now I realize that me missing pole is not just about missing the practice itself (I do love the practice but it was so much work, holy shit)…

It is also about yearning to get in touch with my sensuality in a way that I have not often felt safe doing in this era of my life. 

I’d like to share what hardships have distanced me from my practices with pole dance and sensual healing, how I have been navigating this transition, and what I envision for myself in the future. 

I will also share some reflections of how this connects with my past, including an excerpt from my memoir, as well as some imagery from my recent practices.

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